¤ Little Heart Talks ¤

I know he likes my body but does he love my soul ?

When I was younger, I didn't know how to use of my charms. Many people broke my heart because of that. They imagined that I would never be pretty and never find myself a "proper woman body to inhabit". The truth is that I hit puberty quite late. I was about 15 years old when I started to have breast. Of course, people at my school -guys and girls- were making fun of me and said that I was just a man in disguise. It didn't matter much because I swore to myself that I would make them regret this behavior.

When puberty finally hit me, I started taking real care of how other perceived me. I thus started to put on dresses and asked my mother to buy me my first make-up set. Nothing extravagant. Black dresses, mascara and lip balm. Bought my first bra as well. Before that I only had brassières. My self confidence finally kicked in and I had my first boyfriend ever at the age of 17.

I am now 21 years old and, over the years, I several times felt that people -usually men- were attracted by my body, not by me. As I said in previous writings, I am currently in love with one of my closest friends and I believed it was not only a one-sided thing considering what had happened between us. But apparently it was and I am now left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.

Another boy has been trying to get my attention for a couple of months now. I could have thought of him as a potential boyfriend at some point but his non-persistence made me thought it was only a phase for him. I thus fell in love with someone else and mister decided to comeback as if no time had passed. 7 months. And the first time I saw him in seven months, he tried to get physical ?

I just can't help but wonder if it was alcohol talking, hormones or does he just perceive me as an object? I know it is considered as a great deal in our society : the objectification of women. But it is pretty weird to experience.

So really worried yesterday, I asked him if I had sent him any signal or else and he simply replied : "I felt nervous and I didn't know how to act around you." Um... okay. How am I supposed to analyze that ? Was he just shy and tried to see if he had a shot ? Was he just going in for the win ? I don't know... I later told him that I liked him and he replied that he liked me back and he "would rather be the reason of my happiness and of my smile than the reason for my tears." What I know is that I am supposed to see him this weekend and unless he send me a text first -I always am the one starting ou conversations- he won't have any news from me.

I guess only time will tell...

~ Eli G. - March 2016