Red the Taco-Loving Derp

Red

Once upon a time, there was a magical kingdom full of magical creatures known as Derps. These magical beasts came in many shapes and sizes... and color... because for some odd reason none of them were the same color. It was weird.

In this kingdom of Derpia, there was a little Derp known as Red. He was a very angry little Derp and no one knew why... maybe it was because he was so short. Red was always causing trouble... I think he thought it was fun. He never wanted anyone else to be happy because he himself wasn't happy... so he pulled super mean tricks on them.

Red also preferred to stay in the form of a shabby, gray-furred rabbit... with really bad teeth... no seriously they're all sharp and stuff. No one knew why Red refused to be seen in his natural Derp form and no one questioned it either... probably because they were afraid of his teeth. Heck, they even scared me.

However, Red wasn't all bad; he actually had some good qualities... I know, it's pretty hard to believe. Red was a rather smart Derp with many amazing ideas... except the potato gun... it exploded and killed thousands. Other than that horrible travesty, he earned his keep with inventions like the Sling Shooter and Fairy Catcher... which made all the fairies go extinct... they were all eaten of course once they became easy to catch.

When the fairies ran out there were no snack foods left for the Derps of Derpia. They had to turn to other sources; tacos... and a few other uninteresting snacks, but that's beyond the point. Unfortunately only Green owned tacos and he was the only one who knew how to make them. This was sad you see because tacos were the only thing that made Red smile... other than pulling super mean tricks.

Red was willing to do anything for tacos... I'm not kidding, he would do anything... just ask Turquoise. On one cold winter day, Red was wondering the streets alone in search of at least a crumb of a taco. Right as he was about to give up hope on his search, he saw Green skipping happily down the street and in his hand was the crunchy glory that Red had been in search of.

Red hippity-hopped his gray bunny butt behind a nearby ice cream truck... seriously why didn't he just get ice cream? He hid there until Green had passed him by, unsuspecting of the horrible potato future that awaited him. Red jumped out from behind the truck and pulled out the potato that he always kept in his back pocket... don't ask why, he was just weird like that. He then loaded the potato into the Sling Shooter, aimed, and fired.

The potato went spiraling through the air... I didn't think it would go as far as it did, but it did. The potato hit poor, unsuspecting Green in the back of the head, causing him to fall forward and the taco to fly into the air. Red launched himself towards the taco, catching it just in time. He then sprinted off towards his home to enjoy the little piece of heaven he had stolen.

There was a knock upon Red's door, followed by another... and many more. Red peeped out the peepy-hole and saw Green standing there with an icepack held to his head. Red sprinted to hide his taco and change bow ties... because for some odd reason he wore nothing but bow ties. When he came back to open the door he was no longer in the yellow bow tie he wore while stealing the taco, but instead, a slightly darker yellow bow tie so no one would know it was him... because a change of the bow tie would totally get other Derps off his case... Red, you're a genius.

Red greeted Green kindly asking what brought him at such a late hour. "Green, my dear friend, what has brought you to my humble abode at such an hour as this?"

"Oh my kindest friend, I'm in need of assistance. Someone has stolen my taco and the only evidence I have is this potato that was thrown at my head."

Red gasped in horribly fake shock as he paced back and forth... he was a horrible actor, I have no clue how Green could ever fall for such a pathetic attempt. "Oh Green, you poor soul! How could someone do such a thing to someone as sweet as you?" Red all of a sudden halted his pacing as an idea hit him like his potato had hit Green... HARD! "Hold on just a minute! I think I saw who has stolen your taco. Yes, I know I had."

"Please tell me. I beg of you to please enlighten me as to who has taken my most precious taco."

"I have never seen a Derp like him before. He was tall, large, and not very Derpy. He had a beard on his chin and under both his arms. His teeth stuck out of his mouth; large and scary, they were. He even had teeth like things going down his back to the tip of his very long tail." Red continued on describing a beast so gruesome that not even the most famous Derp, Edgar Allen Poe, could come up with... probably because he wasn't as bad a story teller as Red was.

Green stared in horror as Red described the Derp monster. He believed every detail that the lying Red told him and was horrified to go retrieve his taco alone. "Red will you help me put an end to this monster's reign of terror?"

"I'm sorry Green but I have an important invention that I must finish. I wish the best of luck to you, my dearest friend."

Green went off to find the culprit, leaving Red alone with his taco and lies. Red wandered into the kitchen to retrieve the hidden taco when all of a sudden another knock upon the door rung through the air. The exasperated Red sauntered back into the greeting room to see whom had disturbed his taco retrieval. When he peeped through the peepy-hole he was shocked to see it was once again Green. He thought to himself that Green must have come back to ask what direction the fake monster had ran so he opened the door for his friend.

He was once again met with shock when he opened the door because, standing just out of view of the peepy-hole, was the Derp known as Blue. He put a fake smile upon his face and invited the two Derps into the house. "Oh my dear friends how may I be of service to you tonight?"

"Cut the crap Red. I know you been messin' with my home boy, tellin' him all this fake shit."

"My dearest Blue, I haven't a clue what you are implying, but I promise you this, I would never pull anything on my dear, sweet, friend Green." Red once again was lying... horribly.

"Don't you lie to me! I know you got that nasty mojo goin' on and I ain't gonna buy it! I ain't stupid like my boy here, you got that? I. Ain't. Stupid." Blue said the last words as individual sentences to prove his point... although personally I believe his point would be a heck of a lot more clear if he'd just use real grammar. "You told my homie about some made up beast fresh out your head. I see it in your eyes man. Everything you told him be wack." ... If only he could understand just how stupid he sounds, then I wouldn't have to explain it.

"Alright, alright! You caught me. I stole the taco and I launched the potato at Green but you know what? I DON'T REGRET IT!" Red screamed out as he smiled triumphantly.

Blue flew at Red quickly, knocking the two of them onto the ground. They tussled for a while and it didn't seem like either would win but finally, after a while of pointless rolling around, Red managed to escape Blue's grasp. He put some distance between them and started to load his potato launcher. He aimed and he fired; a direct hit.

Blue fell to the ground, dead. He was allergic to potatoes... Seriously, who's allergic to potatoes? Red was the victor, but at what cost? He had just killed one of the Derps he considered to be his friend. Red was ashamed of himself so he went to retrieve the taco he had been hiding to hand it back to Green. Upon his return Blue was no longer there; he had already turned into rainbow dust... because that's what they do... they turn into rainbow dust... WEIRD!

Red handed the taco back to Green, apologized for taking it, and started to sweep up Blue's dust. He dumped out the dust in the yard and gave Blue a semi-proper burial speech... It was a horrible speech... HORRIBLE! Well there was nothing left for Red and Green to do so they just decided to split the taco and watch the telli; cuddling close by the fireplace... what a cute couple.

They all lived happily ever after... except Blue... because he died.