The Offering

Chapter 26

Dear diary,

I've never kept a diary before now. I tried once when I was younger but I didn't last for more than a week. It always seemed such a romantic idea, detailing your deepest thoughts, dreams and desires. But I just never really had the determination to stick with it. I also didn't have much to write about until now.

Now I've decided to keep a diary for a very specific reason-to keep my own sanity in tact. I'm hoping that if I write down my thoughts then I'll be able to think more clearly and logically when I read them back. I feel like my head is so full at the moment that I can barely think straight.

So here it goes. My life has changed A LOT over the past few months. I thought turning 18 would be great, I was wrong. I've never exactly been 'normal', I've always been much more 'sensitive' than most other people. I don't mean sensitive in the way that my feelings can be hurt easily (thought that's probably true too). I mean that for as long as I can remember I seemed to see the world differently.

I get overwhelming instincts and feelings that I often don't fully understand. Often they upset me, scare me, frustrate me. As a child my confusion caused me to act out and because of that the other kids thought I was strange. They didn't want to be anywhere near me because they were afraid of me.

That made school a place I really didn't want to be. So I tried to hide away, not only my sensitivity but myself altogether. I got really good at that. Soon nobody really saw me anymore, they were only too happy to play along. So I faded into the background and kept my head down for a long time. The only person who ever really saw me for who I was, was Clara.

My best friend. And complete opposite. I never understood what she saw in me. She was beautiful and so much fun, she could have been friends with anybody but she chose to be friends with me. She made me feel special, she made me feel 'normal'.

And then she died.

Since then so much has happened. My sensitivity has become something else altogether. Something that is constantly changing and developing. Something that scares me but also makes me feel strangely sort of important. Almost powerful. That's something I've never had much of. Power.

Now I have the most vivid dreams, find myself floating outside of my own body, visit strange worlds hidden in the darkness and speak with spirits of lives lost (some of which are pretty terrifying i.e. scary suicide girl at school).

I've had strange visions and what I think are premonitions which I'm certain have been sent to me with a purpose. I think I even helped a little girl cross over into the light and find peace at last (which was actually freakin awesome now I think about it).

I am some sort of Psychic or medium or whatever the word for what I have is. I have abilities that I recently discovered are inherited within my bloodline. I am something my Grandmother called  'the offering', though I'm still not exactly sure what that means (cue scary visions of sacrificial lambs argh!).

I've changed so much, not just in what I can do but in who I am and it's a lot to take in and think about. I guess I don't really know who I am anymore and I don't have Clara to help me work that out. So maybe this diary will help?

Though it's not all about me. There's the fact that I know Clara was murdered and that her killer is still free. That her grieving mother was killed soon after by this monster. I want so much to help her, to bring her the justice I think she needs. But how can I do that when she hates me? (Oh I forgot to mention that I kissed her ex-boyfriend who it turns out wasn't her ex at all. Oh and also that she was secretly pregnant with his baby though she didn't tell me that either.)