Austin Cowler, My Story

III

My time in Colorado was an experience if i've ever had one. It wasn't so much an experience as it was an epiphany, one that didn't simply serve to help understand one situation, but to better understand myself and my actions, my thoughts, my attractions.

It was nothing more than two weeks out of the state but when I was there I thought about so much more. There, sitting on my bed, I thought about one thing in particular. I thought about how i've never dated a girl, how i've never wanted to. I thought about how there was this guy, not a girl, but a guy, who had always made me happy. Every time I was around him, I remember becoming happier, my day becoming better.

I then thought about what love was, what love is. I thought about what it means to be in love. I thought back, I thought forward, and then I realized. I realized that I never liked a girl, never loved one. I then also realized that I have indeed liked a guy, loved one even, and I thought, what am I, what am I if this is all true? I'm clearly not normal, so am I abnormal? simply unique? Am I... am I gay?

I thought on that sentence for hours, repeating it in my head. Am I gay? I would say it over and over, wondering sometimes if I even knew if it meant. Am I gay? constantly questioning myself, wondering if it was true. Am I gay? I'd interview myself constantly. Am I gay? continuously asking. Am I gay? over and over and over, Am I gay?... Am I gay? Am I... gay? I.... I am gay... I am gay.

That was it, that was when I knew. that was when I realized that I was what I was always afraid of being, gay. I remember always hearing jokes about being gay, and about gay people, I remember how gay was an insult, it was pitiful. But now, I am exactly that. pitiful, an insult, a joke. It hurt, more than I could ever imagine. But I had to live with it, I still do, cause that's simply who I am.

I decided to do what any sensible seventh grader would do and put on Instagram that I am indeed gay. Well actually, I posted a blank black picture with the caption "If this picture gets a certain number of likes, i'll post a deep secret of mine". I then, after getting that certain number of likes posted another blank black photo with the caption "I said if my last photo got a certain number of likes, i'd share a deep secret of mine. well, the secret is simply that i'm gay." and that was it, everyone knew. of course I regretted that later in life as i constantly wished I hadn't came out yet, but regardless, it happened anyway. And now everyone nows except my parents. how, um, complicated... great.

So that was basically what happened on my trip to Colorado. Lovely time, you know? seventh grade? a lot happened, but at the same time it was really quite boring. But anyway, I believe it's time to move along in my story. Next, let's talk about my eighth grade year, or at least part of it. It was a complicated time, eighth grade, and a whole lot happened. Not all of it i'm willing to share in this story, but i am going to say a good bit, starting with my first boyfriend. That's right, you read that correctly, I haven't always been a sad lonely prick, that just started recently. But yes, I did have a boyfriend, for seven months too, but that's all for the next chapter.