12 Types of Bad Sex Every Woman Has in Her 20s
Featuring I'm Starting to Get the Feeling That He Just Wants Me to Give Him a Blow Job Because He's Lazy Sex.
1. You Know What? This One's on Me Sex. This one's where you can't even say that he pretended to be someone he wasn't just to get you into bed because the fact of the matter was, you knew he called your best friend fat and he talked about Crossfit for 20 minutes before asking you questions that were only about Crossfit. You knew he wore a Budweiser tee every day to work and you did it anyway. And you will soldier on.
2. We Had Sexual Tension That Had Been Building for Two Years So Screw It Sex. This is usually the most fleeting orgasm of your life that is mostly just a release of pressure that confirms what you already knew: There's a reason you guys didn't do this sooner and it is because it's just meh.
3. I Thought You Were So Hot in High School Sex. This is basically when you have sex for the 16-year-old who thought this guy was sooooo hot and you did not yet realize that he thought you were hot because self-awareness was not a thing then. It's also as close to having sex with a movie star as you will possibly get, but only because you'll realize they're just a person and obviously have no idea what a clit is and that's just sad.
4. Sleeping With A Coworker Will Be No Big Deal Sex. This is most likely to happen after a holiday party because you're ~*OuTsIde YouR WorKPlaCE*~ which seems sexy and new. You'll tell yourself it won't be weird at work the next day, but even if you guys end up booing up in the end, you won't know when or how to tell people and that will be weird. And if it turns out to be awful or he can't stay hard or you fart, you will consider changing jobs, and that's for the best.
5. He Seemed Like Such a Great Guy Until We Had Sex Sex. I had this happen to me with a guy who seemed crazy-sweet and would make weird, dorky jokes about us getting matching footie pajamas and I thought it was so sweet. Then after we fooled around, he treated me like a Lifetime movie character who slept with a jock and from then on, he was weird to her at parties. Spoiler: In retrospect, this guy is never that cute.
6. Oh, Shit, You Wanted Way More Than Sex Sex. Aka when you start putting your clothes on because yeah, it's your apartment, but also it's time for him to go, and he starts ordering Seamless and talking about how cute you guys are. You will eat that Seamless though, just to be polite and also because #FreeFood. In the end, you can't even blame the guy for getting confused because we have all been there...
7. Oh, Shit, I Thought This Was Way More Than Sex Sex. Often you come to this realization when the guy just comes and mentions something super chill about how it's "so lame that so many women think that sex has to mean something." And you will smile and nod, but in your heart, you will feel a small death, followed by you acting like Chill Girl until you can get home and cry for a maximum of 15 minutes.
8. I'm Never Going to Come, Am I Sex. He's trying, you're trying, and frankly even if you used your hand, you probably wouldn't get there. It's no one's fault, but also blue balls for women is very real and this is when you realize that.
9. This Just Turned Into Period Sex Really Quickly Sex. Followed by the lie of, "Whoa, so crazy I had no idea," when in actuality your period app told you it was today and you were like, "Eh, whatever." Either way, now you have to buy new sheets for a guy you've known for two weeks.
10. Literally All Shower Sex. You can try to tell me for the next three hours about that one time you came waterfalls of joy when he had your butt up against the soap dish, but I simply cannot believe you. Shower sex is always one or all of the following: too cold, too much water in your mouth, terrifying because what if you slip. Nothing good can come of it.
11. These Are Very Tiny Dorm Beds and Yet We Are Trying Our Best Sex. The room for injury here isn't as great as the shower sex but you will both fight for who gets to be on the bottom (and therefore doesn't have to balance your arms so that one isn't constantly falling off the bed or hitting your dresser.)
12. I'm Starting to Get The Feeling That He Just Wants Me to Give Him a Blow Job Because He's Lazy Sex. It's like trying to push a live, resistant body up a damn hill, and you finally just want to say, "Why did we even come over to my place if all you wanted was for me to blow you so you could nap, Jeff?!" Your 20s are truly a great time.
By: COSMOPOLITAN
