Westvillesburgh

Luke

I'm not good at this. Talking about my feelings to people I don't know or trust, but I'm trying to allow myself to trust you. So here goes. I'm not a very optimistic person. Never have been, never will be. There are people that cause me happiness and there are people that cause me sadness. That's life. Now, I'm not very good at explaining, but I'm going to try. My name is Luke Bellerose. I am 17 and I'm not popular but I have a few friends and I am in a gamer club and a basketball club. I know, weird that a guy can like both a sports and video games. Yeah, I'm a geek and a jock. I also like art. I'm so different then my stereotypes. I also am 74% French and 26% American. I live in a rural town in Washington and it's 2016. I'm proud to live in a state that supports equality. But in this town...they don't support it at all. This whole town is brainwashed into believing that God [(a magical person in the sky) I'm atheist by the way] hates anyone that isn't straight, isn't christian, isn't hardworking, and isn't a perfect version of their gender they were assigned. I have friends who believe they are wrong for liking the same gender, but they see people on YouTube and on TV that are so happy in their relationships where they're with the same gender. I feel so sad for them, the poor souls. I myself, am attracted to both genders and anyone really. I'm pansexual, but I'm always assigned the same female cheerleader for homecoming and I'd rather it be someone else. That's life. Brainwashed or not. I'm not used to writing about my feelings, but I'm lost in the mix of my busy life...I'm 17 and I've only had one relationship and it was freshman year with a girl who actually found herself to be trans (she was a boy), which I supported but she said she wasn't worth my time, and that since I'm "straight" that I could never love her as a guy, even when I explained, she couldn't see the light so she moved away and broke my heart. I should say he, because I'm sure he transitioned. I'm happy for him, because his parents were more accepting than mine would be. My mom and step dad would freak if they found out I'm in love with my best friend, (a guy) whom I grew up with my whole life and he even dared me to kiss him but I just chickened out. I was scared that he might figure it out, but it's been 10 years since I noticed my attraction to him, and I've played it cool. My little sister on the other hand has been anorexic since sixth grade (she's a freshman) yet in sixth grade she was only 100 pounds. She is lesbian and has always been. She's never dated a guy and my parents think she's just a happily independent girl when in reality she borrows my clothes and at school is always holding her girlfriend's hand. Her and Natalie have been together since 5th grade. I just walk up hug them both and give my sister a noogie because she's more like a little brother. Me and her are actually pretty close. I know it's because of our sexuality and our eating disorders (I'm anorexic too) but she is worse than I am. She seriously thinks being more than 115 lbs. is bad. But I'm being a hypocrite because I believe that being more than 170 is bad. Well to be quite clear, I am addicted to a sleeping aid medicine, I used to have really bad insomnia so I started taking it more often and this medicine makes me less hungry. I've never ever thought about the bad effects of it. I went to a doctor last year and he said the quicker I get off it, the quicker my health will go back to normal, and I'll go back to eating. He claimed that if I wouldn't end my disorder soon, that'd it do serious damage to my body and I'd never be able to play basketball properly again. I love basketball and so I decided it's best to stop. I stopped the medicine, but I started up my anorexia again. My little sister has been cutting a lot lately and I'm worried.

"Celeste, you need to stop..." I notice her putting together a bag for her weekend with her girlfriend Natalie, and packing her razor blades. While I stand at the door frame to her pastel pink room.

"Luke, it's fine. I'm in control, I can stop anytime, I just choose not too. It helps me cope with all my feelings." She states as she picks up the bag from her desk to her bed.

"Do what the counselor told me. Write in a book and write your own story. It's helping me. If you don't stop cutting, I'll start." I'm worried.

"Luke stop being a drama queen. I'll stop or whatever." She says as she is picking through her favorite section of her closet she calls "bands". Which by the name you know it's all her favorite band shirts. All black colored shirts, of course.