You ruined my life with love

I envy you

I envy you.

When I saw you it was just another broken promise. A promise for a safety and protection that I never got. You left me, broken and lonely. Lost even. So why did I keep running into you?

The third time I saw you, I was stepping out of collage ready to go on with my life. You know the saying, the people that have had it hardest are the strongest? Well that’s what I felt right then. My father couldn’t ruin my life. I wouldn’t let him. Not anymore.

I flicked through a folder as I set of down the cold street towards my flat. I was wrapped up in a slightly ripped scarf with a bobble hat and an old jacket.

I froze, shivering in the air. A silver car pulled up on the stop and the window rolled down.

“Miss, do you want a ride?” A man asked.

I scoffed “Never falling for th-Ryan?” I asked shocked. Yes It was you.

Your hair was still the same dark colour and your eyes still the same. But like every time, something was different.

You had scars. Three long scars that fell down your face screaming there victory at bounding you tightly.

“Crystal.” Ryan said quietly not a bit of surprise in his voice.

“What happened?...to you?” I asked biting my lip to stop a scream erupting.

Ryan turned around “Nothing.” He spat angrily.

“Nothing? So you just picked up and left again huh? What my presence bugged you? You broke your promise again, Ry you l-left me!” I yelled glad no one was around.

Ryan got out the car slamming the door. “Yes to protect you!” he argued.

I stomped my foot furiously “Protect me!” I screamed “I just got hurt again Ryan! Why? Why couldn’t you have just told me no and not crashed my hopes and watch them fall like a freaking pin pong ball? How were you protecting me? I hate yo-“

He grabbed me and…kissed me. His lips felt liquid and warm despite the cold air and I didn’t move, just stayed still feeling the warmness erupt me. You wrapped your arms around me and pressed your body against mine.

When the kiss was over we both pulled away huffing with every breath in our bodies. “That’s why.” Ryan whispered. “I left because i-I fell in love with you Crystal. I knew it would just wreck our friendship.”

I backed away slowly. “No. You can’t love me. Y-y-you can’t! No one can love me.” I screamed punching a wall on my way. The contact made my fist crack and tears flooded heavily down. “Just leave me alone Ryan.” I whispered.

He gasped “Tal, please-“

“Leave!” I screamed before I turned and I ran.

That’s all you ever saw me do huh? Turn and run like a coward from everything. Why didn’t I stay? You could have…somehow…made me…happy…

But no, I didn’t want to be happy. I wanted to be alone, rotting and bleeding alone. I didn’t need your help. No scratch that. Want it.

You made my heart bleed. Did I make yours?

I ran into a bush and thrashed into a hole. There I sat there crying and sobbing loudly while the rain fell in heavy drops that clashed against the leaves that barely sheltered me.

“Why?” I whispered to the air. “Why should you love me. I’m not pretty. Not full of life. I’m broken, just pieces that can never be fixed.”

“Then let me fix you.” The air replied softly.

“You can’t stupid air.” I said childishly but still in shallow breaths. “You can’t touch me. Hardly love me.”

“Yes I can.” Ryan’s hands grabbed my wrist. I gaped shocked.

“I think I liked it better when I was talking to the air.” I mumbled.

He sighed “Tal…Crystal please? I hurt myself when I left you. That’s where these scars come from. Now I have a reminder for what I did to you.”

My eyes clouded with more tears then I could handle. “You always make me cry. Whether it’s sympathy, hurt or pain you always do. How does this show me you love me? How does this show me, that it isn’t just some sick cruel joke.”

Ryan put a hand on my cheek “Because in your heart you know Crystal.” He whispered. “Because in your heart, you love me too.”

He placed his lips on mine for the second time that day. The kiss was soft and tearing but also full of passion and fire. All emotions were poured into the kiss, finally coming out from under the cold floor.

I couldn’t do it. I was weak. I let you kiss me. Let you whisper you love me.

But when I woke up in the morning. Of course. Why did I put my hopes up? Why did I think that you actually loved me. Why did I think that you were really…well…real?

Did I make you up? Did you just leave me? Or did I push you away.

You were gone.

P.S. I love you