Blue Neighborhood

Broken Home

Avaree's P.O.V.

I took one last drag of my cigarette before dropping it to the ground, smashing it into the sidewalk and picking it back up again, discarding the flattened bud into a garbage can near one of my neighbor's curb. I walked straight into the house next to mine, putting my backpack down on the table and going over to hug the woman who I've always thought of as my own mom.

"How was your day at school?" Noel asked. "And have you seen Stefan?"

"No, he was supposed to come home with me and Kat today. I got ditched by the both of them," I explained and she huffed. "I didn't see him when I came out of the building."

"That's his ass," she picked up a kitchen towel and swept crumbs off of the counter. "Did you stop by the counselor today?"

"Do I have too?" my dad has been pushing me to see the school counselor and I was against it in every way possible. If I couldn't deal with my problems on my own, then who was I? I'd always been one to want to deal with things on my own, shut away and never share a thing. Maybe it would end up catching up to me though.

"You know it would be good for you, Avaree," she bargained and I didn't argue, because I knew it would be good for me. But I refuse to confess my innermost thoughts with someone I barely knew. "Maybe you should try going sometime this week."

"Maybe," I said, leaving my answer not completely straight. It wasn't so much that I didn't want to go, I just didn't want the counselor to ask me questions I didn't want to answer. About my mom, about how I feel about myself, how I treat myself...because none of the answers to those questions would put me in a good position. They'd recommend an actual specialized therapist for sure. Everyone would think I was crazy if they knew what went on inside of my head sometimes.

I'm not completely insane, but I'm not nice to myself at all. About five years ago is when it started. I looked at myself in the mirror and suddenly everything changed. I saw myself in a different way when I realized I'd gained a few pounds and couldn't just not worry about what I ate anymore. It would catch up to me instead of disappearing like when I was younger. I took the scale out and made it a goal to start losing weight, and I guess I just never stopped from there. I started watching what I ate, not eating most days and it all made me dizzy, lightheaded and weak. There was a point where I was so sick I couldn't get out of bed. I felt so bad for myself with realizing what I was doing to my body, I just didn't care anymore. I locked myself in the bathroom one morning and didn't expect to come out again; on my own, at least. The scar on my arm still reminds me of where I was. I woke up an hour later, not knowing where I was and it scared me shitless. I started being better to myself from then on, but not completely.

I watched what I ate, but I didn't fast. I picked at my skin occasionally, but didn't pick up a blade. I looked at myself in the mirror a lot, but I haven't weighed myself in over a year. It's taken a lot of self-control, but I've managed perfectly fine; although this smoking habit I have is the only thing really killing me.

"What's that smell?" Noel asked now.

"I'm going home for dinner tonight. I think dads making something," I said, completely ignoring her question and stood up from the table quickly before she could figure out that the smell was coming directly from my breath, clothes and hair. "I'll see you later."

"Remember," she called after me. "It'll be good for you, Avaree!"

I groaned and made my way out. I ended up passing up my house next door when I saw my dad's car wasn't in the driveway yet. If he wasn't home, it was an excuse for me not to be there. I walked down the street and took a few turns until I was at the park. It was a quiet, not so kid friendly place. It had a big field, a few ponds, a jungle gym and a swing set. By not so kid friendly, I mean the jungle gym consists of two swirly slides that giggle when you go down them and threaten to break, monkey bars that come loose when you go across them and the ladder to climb onto the entire thing...I couldn't tell you where that went. It was completely unattached and kids have to use their muscles to actually climb onto it; not that there's ever anyone here.