Felicity's Fury and Oliver's Green Notebook

Chapter 2

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"Ignore it," she told herself repeatedly as she ate a few bites of pizza, then stuffed the leftovers back into the takeout box before putting the box into the almost empty fridge. Maybe she'd eat it later or maybe she'd eat pizza for breakfast. She patted her almost upset tummy, knowing she'd dropped weight since they'd broken up, but she found it hard to swallow food past the lump that had lived in her throat ever since she'd walked away from him.

And he's lost weight too, she thought. She'd seen the proof in his gaunt face today.

Which just proves we're lethal for each other, she assured herself and the words "Just say NO," came out her mouth. Pouring a glass of wine, she walked into the living room and picked up the remote. Clicking the button, she surfed through the channels, but she groaned as her mind plagued her.

"Open it. Read it. He wants you to read it. You know you want to," her mind nagged and she told it to SHUT UP and watched a movie.

But of course her brain wouldn't hush. Instead, her mind whispered, "It's his notebook. What do you think is in it? He gave it to you to read. What are you waiting for? JUST GO READ IT," her mind taunted her.

Groaning, against her will, but helpless to resist, she got up. Entering her bedroom, she turned on the light. Sitting on the bed, she pulled her shoes off, as she reached and rubbed her tired feet, finding herself thankful she could have tired feet, still eternally grateful every day that she could feel and move her legs.

She loved Curtis and his wonderful tech, his awesome, outstanding tech, with the emphases on standing, her standing.

Oliver's green notebook stared her in the face, daring her and taunting her. Of course, his notebook would be green, not blue like his eyes, or brown like his hair in places, but green, his favorite color. Slowly, she ran her fingers lightly over the book on the bed, biting her bottom lip, then she stood and turned her back on it.

Quickly, she changed into comfy pjs. Entering the bathroom, she washed her face and brushed her teeth and hair, but she knew she only put off the inevitable for the green notebook called her name. 

Walking back into the room, she flopped down on the bed.

Carefully, she smoothed his notebook, her fingers raking over the smooth outside cover as she gathered her strength. Reaching, she picked it up, and with a deep breath, she pulled the band off the book and opened the first pages to reveal Oliver's broad handwriting.

Like all things the man did, he did nothing half way. His text lay crisp and clean on the page, nearly perfect, his cursive neat and very legible. Propping her head up on her hand, she began to read as she noted the date to be well over three years ago, not long before she'd met him.

"I can't sleep. I can't stop the dreams. I've read on the internet that when a person has been through traumatic experiences and can't sleep, that it helps to write things down. I don't know if that's true or not but I'm willing to try anything. And if writing about those times helps to get them out of my head, out of my dreams, I'm game. I desperately need my dreams and my memories to stop tormenting me. Wasn't living it once enough? Trust me, once was torture enough."

The date changed and she frowned.

"I hurt my mother after she touched me in my sleep. I'd fallen asleep on the floor, and I went straight for her throat. She should have never touched me. I should have locked the door since I know it's dangerous to touch me when I sleep, when I dream. I could tell by her face I'd shocked her. She tried to reassure me that I'm home. But I don't know what home is anymore.

And I know I shocked my mother because I sleep on the floor, but at least I can sleep there. I've tried every night since I've been back to sleep in the bed, but a soft bed is too strange now, not that I sleep much anyway, but I sleep better on the floor. If I'd known the storm was coming, I wouldn't have left the windows open. I'd opened the windows because my room made it hard to for me to breath.