Felicity's Fury and Oliver's Green Notebook

Chapter 3

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Ice cream carton in hand and a spoon, she settled into a chair in the kitchen and reopened his green notebook. Her mind been replaying the fact he'd actually written Ray's name. Never before in his entire notebook had he written anyone's name. But, Ray's name screamed off the page, and he'd blackened the letters, over and over, truly blackened Ray's name and the word 'hate.' She could tell he'd been enraged when he'd penned those words and his hatred for Ray screamed off the written page.

She noted that his crisp carefully handwriting had disappeared, and now, his handwriting lay heavy and dark on the page and it'd lost its normal precision.

Checking the date, she realized he'd written these words right after Ra's had made him the offer, and she'd been sleeping with Ray. She'd wanted to love Ray, oh, how she'd wanted to love Ray, wanted to wash Oliver Queen completely out of her mind. The man made her completely crazy.

Taking another bite of ice cream, she read, "I know I have no right to her. I know she doesn't belong to me that I have given up that right, when I told her I couldn't do US. I'm aware I've slept around and had sex with countless women when I was young and dumb, and I know she knows that, but she doesn't understand that most of them meant nothing to me.

Back then, I had sex, something I've learned to live without for long time. And it has been months since anyone but me has touch me. But I don't want to have sex with someone I don't care about. No, I find I want more. I need more when we," and he scratched out the words 'when we' and wrote the words 'if we' before he scratched those words out too. He moved down to the next line and wrote, "I am aware she has every right to move on. I know I ended US before we began. I know she wanted to try, and I decided being together too dangerous for her.

And she clearly told me she didn't want to be a woman I loved. She stabbed my heart, savagely hurt me, and I think she knew she'd ripped my heart from my chest with her words. To be so sweet, she can be wickedly mean sometimes. But, I got her message loud and clear. And, now, I find I am not only nursing my still battered chest and back from the demon's blade, but my stupid heart aches every time I look at her, even after all this time, I ache, yet like a moth to the flame, I can't help but look at her light.

However, every time I look at him, I can see he's touched her places I've only dreamed about touching. My gut burns as I can tell from the way his hands touch her skin that he has had her, and I see her lean into his touch. I see her smile. And he makes sure to find my eyes, he makes sure I know that she is his.

I want to explode into action. I ache to hurt him. I want to use my bare hands on him and break his bones.

Yet, I can't. I am not the one for her. I need to step back, STOP thinking I can have her. SHE IS NOT MINE!

But watching them together, I find that I want to break the man into tiny pieces, slowly, painfully. I ache to hurt him, to bleed him out. Damn him for touching her. She belongs to me. She is mine.

Okay, she doesn't officially belong to me but she should. I want to take his fingernails off one by one, and then each finger slowly, then I would chop his hands off at the wrists for touching her. I ache to bleed him out slowly, drop by drop, as I watched, then I'd sear the wounds, stop the bleeding and in a couple of days I will give him a drink and start again. "

And she realized that he wanted to dehydrate Ray, wanted to torture him, wanted to make Ray linger, and she cringed at the pure darkness that she hadn't realized still lived within him.

But her foolish mind quipped, well what girl didn't want her man to torture and kill for her? 

Shut up brain, you think of the worst ways to think things at times, she told herself as she continued reading.