So maybe Kyungsoo would have noticed how I remained single after my last boyfriend which was Jin three years ago but no, I don't think he did. He labelled us as best friends, graduated with flying colors, still together even going on the corporate world.
He was yet again in another relationship with a girl named Jung Nayeon.
It was his longest relationship. Three years and they were still together. They're perfect for each other.
He invited me at the beach one day. He said he needed time to think and as it turns out, he needed a breather. His girlfriend Nayeon had been pestering him for marriage.
It bothered me. It hurts me. I wanted to get angry but who am I to get angry? I'm just his bestfriend. Why won't he notice me for once? Am I really just a friend to him?
"Do you love her?" I asked quietly, brushing my feet at the soft sandy dunes on my feet, looking ahead because tears were so close to breaking out and I have to hold it in. I have to.
Kyungsoo peered at me from the corner of his eyes. "What kind of question is that?"
"Just give me an answer."
He shrugged. "I love her I just don't see her as a wife to be."
"Maybe you're looking at it the wrong way."
He seemed to consider this. He took a swig of his beer before turning again in my direction.
"Do you know Yuan Fen?"
I looked at him, smiling despite the need to just cry. "Is it a zodiac thing?"
"No silly" he chuckled. "Yuan Fen is fate. In English it's called the red strings."
I stared at him and he continued.
"I believe that person I'm gonna marry is just near and we're just like uneven clock gears spinning and colliding but never really fits to one another but they complement each other into precise mould into the end to the beginning of another."
He looked at me and right then and there, I knew he was telling me something again. But I'm stupid, I don't get it. Maybe I'm as much as that kid five years ago.
"I believe someday our yuan fen will eventually move in together, making us one."
Heart on my throat, I smiled again, this time realer than the first. "That day will come." I told him.
He ruffled my hair, looking away and his eyes were in pain.
The next day, he proposed to Nayeon.
_____
What is love?
Is it lying on your bed at the middle of the night, clutching so hard at the sheets it almost breaks because it hurts to see him being congratulated by the wedding where I'm not the bride? Is it trying to contain those tears away because you hated the fact that you're crying for a person who never and would probably never see you nothing more than just a friend?
What is the borderline between like and love? Where do I stand? How would I know that I'm in love and these feelings aren't just a glitch in my emotions because I want Kyungsoo to be mine?
When do I start to fall?
I still tried to function every day. I smile, I laugh, I answer questions and I tried to joke as much as I can but this gaping hole somewhere inside me continue to whistle so loud that sometimes I have to take a step back and remind myself that no, I'm not in love with Kyungsoo.
______
Alcohol was misery's bestfriend. I used to not believe that. What could the alcohol do? It wouldn't heal you, it wouldn't solve your problems and it certainly isn't going to help me about Kyungsoo. But alcohol is misery's bestfriend. And I feel miserable so I guess that makes alcohol my bestfriend too.
"I don't want you to marry her." I told Kyungsoo while he hoisted me up on the arm, holding me by the waist. How did he know I was at the bar, I had no idea and truthfully, it's not like I would care. All I know is that this is the first time I'd seen him in weeks, he's with me and I just felt whole again.
It's so unfair how he could hurt me just as much as he could make me happy just by being here.
He easily picked me up. Hauling me out the bar and the loud music, he glanced at me.
"What?"
"Don't... marry her." I slurred. I'm not drunk. I could tell what I was doing but I don't know what's wrong; why am I having this courage to say these things out loud.
"Why?" He said quietly. He opened the door of his car and let me inside.
"She's not- not... your... yuan fen." I giggled, remembering how corny it was for him to know that kind of thing.
He chuckled but it didn't sound so happy. It sounded wrong.
"Who is?" he muttered, not giving me a glace as he started up the car.
The car roared to life the same time I said, "Me"
He finally looked at me. He pulled out the car keys, stopping the roar of the car.
"What did you say?"
I laughed drunkedly. "I am your yuan fen. I love you... Kyungsoo, Do Kyungsoo."
_______
"Why are you leaving?" Kyungsoo asked, he had his gaze up on the clear waters.
I sighed, running my hand through my hair.
"You know why Kyungsoo." I said softly mimicking his gaze up on the waters hoping to see what he was seeing.
He kicked the sand dunes softly. It was quiet for some time.
Kyungsoo is getting married soon and I suddenly have to be stupid and say those things to him while I'm drunk. It's stupid.
I tried to lie but it was futile. I knew we won't or he won't be looking at me the same anymore.
It's better that I go away. It'll give him more time to think, more time for me to move on. It'll give us both time and space for everything.
"I know you... even before the local library incident." He said quietly.
I whipped my head in his direction but he wasn't looking at me.
"I have known you since our high school year." He sighed before chuckling softy and saying,
"I have liked you since then."
He met my gaze and I began to stutter.
"You..."
"I'm in love with you for a long time now."
My heart almost bled at the most beautiful thing I've ever heard to come out of his lips.
"And if you're really my yuan fen, you'll stay."
He looked at me imploringly, his eyes begging me to say yes. But it's too late. Our time has been up ever since that time I told him this day will come.
"Maybe in the alternate universe, we'll end up together." I said even though it breaks my heart to do so.
Is eyes changed. He knew what I meant.
"Please-" he said brokenly and I couldn't look at him anymore because tears began to flood my eyes.
If only I have just been fast enough to understand my feelings; to understand love then it wouldn't have end up this way.
"If we're really yuan fen then believe that someday our life will meet again hand and hand, moving in sync and finally in perfect mould with each other." I repeated what he said that day to me.
I kissed him in the forehead for the last time. Maybe... someday.
