It's Complicated

Chapter 19: Enough is Enough and Facing The World

I hated life now. With work being pushed back by another two months, which made it February before I went back, I had nothing to do. I seriously doubted my decision to leave the boys. Maybe I should’ve just stayed an avoided Niall? No way, it hurt enough without having to be around him twenty four seven, but I would give anything to see him, despite the pain.

All I had done was sit cocooned in my duvet on the sofa watching movies all day and crying. I had probably lost a tonne of weight due to the fact that eating was not on my agenda, despite Harry’s desperate attempts to get me to eat some of the food. Everything in this flat reminded me of Niall, from the food we brought that day that still remained, slightly out of date, from him leaving his polo shirt on my bedroom floor, slightly under the bed. It was well worn and stunk a little of sweat but I hadn’t taken it off, it really comforted me to wear it. My laptop was making an obnoxious buzzing noise in its hibernating state and I picked it up realising Harry was requesting Skype. I quickly sniffed and wiped my eyes and hoped to God he didn’t work out I was wearing Niall’s shirt. That would be embarrassing.

“Hey!” he said his award-winning smile. I had missed Harry, especially since we had become closer and it made me cry again.

“Hey Poppy, don’t cry!” he said softly, reaching hand out to the screen as if he could actually touch me.

“I’m sorry, I just really miss you guys, I mean most of you!” I quickly corrected myself with the small lie. I missed Niall like hell.

“Don’t lie to me Poppy, I know you miss him as well!” Harry said and I sighed keeping my lips tight as I exhaled.

“Can we not talk about that please?” I asked and he shot me a sympathetic smile and nodded. He seemed to be distracted by something in the background, but kept turning his attention back to me.

“How are you doing then?” he eventually asked, turning his eyes back to the screen. How was I doing? I was doing terrible. I hated every single part of this separation between Niall and I. I hated when we even bickered harmlessly, but we had just been in this blow-out fight and none of us were talking. I still loved him with all my heart, but he obviously didn’t care enough as he would have fought for me, and he wouldn’t have even cheated on me at that.

“Are you alone in the room?” I asked and Harry nodded, a little too quickly. I knew he probably wasn’t but I thought nothing of it, knowing Niall wouldn’t be there anyway. He wouldn’t be bothered about me being on Skype.

“I’m so fucking heartbroken. He cheated on me and he hasn’t even attempted to get me back or explain himself properly; shows how much he cared about me. I feel so exhausted mentally and physically and every single little thing reminds me of Niall it’s awful, I can’t escape it. And you know the worse part of it? I can’t take his damn shirt off!” I explained. Harry was staring at me sadly as I sobbed and fisted the baggy shirt in my hands. I loved Niall more than anything in the world, maybe even more than Harry, and he had taken my heart and ripped it to shreds as if it was a piece of paper.

“Pops…” Harry began but the screen shook and someone screamed. I saw a shock of blonde hair and my heart jumped in my throat. As the screen moved back and forth desperately I gradually made sense of the situation. Niall was wrestling Harry for the laptop, trying to speak to me.

“Please Harry!” I heard him cry, his voice thick. Harry gave in and the screen stopped shaking and it slowly focused on Niall.

“Hey baby…” he said softly and I burst into tears, as did he. I don’t know how long we just sat on Skype and cried to each other, but he eventually spoke up.

“I can’t do this over Skype you know?” he sniffed.

“Do what?” my voice came out timidly.

“I have so much to explain, I owe you that at least? I’ve been such a dickhead by leaving you hanging, but the reason for that is the fact I couldn’t even be bothered to get out of bed. I feel like I’ve lost you and I can’t lose you Poppy, I just can’t-“he choked out the last few words as they pulled on the strings of my broken heart. After all that had happened, he still had this effect on me and I hated it. I felt like he was controlling me, making me feel weak at the knees, just waiting for me to give in to him.

“I don’t want to lose you Niall, but you cheated on me!” I said.

“I know Poppy, I know I screwed up but if you’d just let me explain I…” I was shaking my head furiously.

“I can’t keep doing this over and over. You mess up and then apologise and then it happens all over again. Sure, they have been petty things that have happened before, but this has really been the icing on the cake. Because of you, I’m not eating, I’m not sleeping and I’m crying my eyes out twenty four hours a day! You’ve literally ruined me, and I hate the way I still love you out of all of this!” I cried and pushed the laptop across the coffee table.

“Poppy!” I heard him yelling over and over again as I sobbed into the cushion, but eventually he disconnected and my sobs subsided. I sat up with a sense of importance and jumped up off the couch, feeling dizzy and my legs resembled jelly with the lack of nutrition. I bolted to the kitchen and grabbed a slice of bread and found some cheese. I made myself a cheese sandwich and ate it ravenously. My body seemed so much better off now and I ate some biscuits and an apple before making my way to the shower. I sung as loud as I could, trying to cheer myself up and it was working a little. A little. I washed away a week’s worth of grime and sadness with vanilla shampoo and conditioner and loved the radiance my body gave off as I climbed out wrapped in a towel. I got dressed in some black skinny jeans, a white blouse and leather jacket and I slipped on my heeled boots at the door. No more being stuck inside the flat miserable, I was going out to the world and facing everyone. I had mourned over that heartbreaker for long enough.