Scarred

2. listening in

I take scalding hot showers. That or I take ice cold showers. I hardly feel either. Everything I touch blends together as my awareness for life goes downhill. My grandma tells me I need to stop doing that but I can't. It's the only way I feel anything. 

I step out of the cold water and stare at myself in the mirror. I don't even remember what I looked like before the accident. My hair had grown back but my face told everything even if the rest of me didn't. My skin was pale, my eyes were hallow and my body was thin. I looked like a china doll with brown, dripping hair enclosing my face in. 

Two years ago my grandma tried to get me on anti-depressant drugs. But they didn't work. They made me feel even less and I wanted to feel, I desperately needed to feel. 

I walked downstairs dressed in an over sized sweater and leggings. My grandma was talking on the phone loudly and I couldn't help but overhear her. I stopped halfway on the stairs and listened. 

"No, Tiffany, Jess is a sweet girl." She said. Wait, she was talking about me. Now I HAD to listen. "Right, she just has been going through a lot in the past..." pause, "Well, three years. You see, ever since the car crash she hasn't been herself." I heard pots clanging together a little bit and I knew she was making dinner. "She is 20 and hasn't gone to college, she sits up in her room or works at the library. She doesn't really have friends and I don't think she even listens during her sessions with the therapist." pause, "Yea, I got her a therapist. I thought it would help. But I have been wrong before." I roll my eyes. "So, I think I might tell her about your small group that you're doing with the youth at church, I think that might do her good." 

I inwardly groan and started down the stairs. I mentally prepared myself for what would come next. 

"I think I hear her now, I'll talk to you later about this, bye Tiff." Then she hung up right as I stepped into the kitchen.  "Hey Darling, how was your shower?"

I didn't respond. I just sat down and looked at her. She looked back at me and stuck a stray strand of long gray hair behind her ear. My grandma looked so young. She was beautiful. 

"You heard me, didn't you?" She said, finally. I just nod. She nods too and looks away. We were constantly in a battle between what she felt was right for me and my own will. "Please go, if you don't like this then I wont bug you anymore. But I think being around the kids will help you." 

I'm pretty sure she'd said that before. But I nodded anyways. Honestly, this couldn't be worse than sessions with my red-headed therapist. I just needed to get out of the swing of that. 

"Really?" She said excitedly, "You'll go?" 

I look up at her, "Sure,"

She ran around the table and squealed. "It will be fantastic. I know it!" She looked so delighted. I believe she is more optimistic than is really good for her health.  *said no one ever...but me*  

I look up at her. She was smiling. It wasn't a pleasant smiles, it was one of those smiles that irritates you because she won me over in doing something I didn't want to do. I roll my eyes. 

To church I go.....Oh boy. 

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Hey Friends, I just got back from Haiti. I am having quite a time adjusting to life back here in America. If you ever have the chance to go to a third world country...DO IT! It will change your life. 

Thanks,

Bella Z.