Girl Crush

10: I have to see her

I have to see her again. I have to. I don't know how, but I have to, so I will. I'll do anything within my power to see her again because I messed up. Why'd I have to be so stupid?

All I had to do was talk to her and I couldn't even manage that right.

I have to fix it... I can still fix it, right?

Maybe now the only way I can fix this is to get up and move on, to forget about her, even if I don't want to. I hope that's not true.

This is all my fault. Is it that hard to walk up to someone and ask their name?

I suppose it is, but that's no excuse. Life isn't about hiding from the hard things, it's about confronting them. I just happen to be particularly bad at that.

I'm not even sure if I like her anymore. I mean, it's been months since I last saw her. I don't know... It seems healthy to move on after a certain length of time.

I was never very good at moving on. It always hurt too much. I always clung on to friendships a bit longer than the other person, and that just made it hurt even more when the friendship inevitably ended.

Why does this even matter? It's not like she ever looked at me more than once. This isn't a two-sided relationship; it's even more one-sided than most of my friendships. She can't push me away if she doesn't even know I exist. I have to make her know I exist first.

I think I would like it if she knew that I existed. There's no need to set the bar for a first conversation very high; I'd be happy if I knew her name and she knew mine. I don't even need a sexuality or a phone number, just a name I can give people when they ask about my first gay crush.

It's settled, then. That's my goal. I want a name. That shouldn't be too hard. I can do this. How hard can it really be?

A/N
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Just curious.

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