The fear of her asking me what do I feel was making me cringe from
telling her the truth.
It all started in the 5th grade. "Why are you so fat?" Danielle always
told me. I was always alone. I had nobody. No one to tell me it was going to get better. Until I met Mia. She is the most tallest and skinniest girl I have ever seen. 5'6 and 98 pds. Totally different from me I was the opposite of skinny. 5'1 and 129 pds.
"You will never have friends pig!" Danielle yelled. The pain all over my body started to feel numb. The blood and bruises didn't mean nothing to me anymore. she reached out to pick me up. Her hands were so pale and bony. " I saw what she did to you, I'm sorry you have to go though that," said Mia. "It's okay i'm used to it, plus it's not your fault." I replied. "I'm sorry I didn't get your name?"Mia said . "Oh i'm Sophia and you are?" "I'm Mia, nice to met you Sophia."
I started to hang out with her more and more. I started to feel like I
maybe actually have a friend. "So what are your hobbies or are you in sports?" Mia asked. "Um well I don't have any but I do like to write." I replied. "sweet!" Mia said. "Yea, what about you what do you like to do?" "Nothing really. Just eat all day." Mia replied. It was so odd to me. How was she so skinny if she doesn't like to do nothing but eat, but I kept it out of the conversation.
"Hey you! Get off that bench you're going to break it!" Danielle said while charging at me. I could hear laughter but I didn't know where it was coming from. It sounded like Mia but she would never... I mean she is my friend isn't she. It became dark I felt pain as if someone punched me across the face. Then I saw Mia's hand reaching out for me. "Are you okay?" Mia asked. "Yea, i'm fine."
I noticed something different. Mia was not as nice as she was. She's not
the same Mia that always gave me compliments or to tell me I was not fat. "Hey Mia,"
"Um hi Sophia, you seem to be gaining," said Mia. "What do you..." I was interrupted. "Hey fatty, omg you look fatter you pig!" Daniella said from a long distance. I turned to Mia but she was gone, and it all turned black again.
"Hey Sophia? I need to ask you something?" Mia asked. "Yea what's up?" I replied. "Have you ever tried the water diet yet because you should try it." I was trying to laugh it off but it got to me. She basically said I need to lose weight. "Well do it with me it would be fun." Mia said. "Well you don't need to lose weight," "Not enough." I didn't understand what she meant by not enough.
"130, 128, 122, 120." Mia wrote down on a line paper. "Wait what is this for mia?" I asked. "Your goal weight." "You have to lose weight so they will stop bullying you. Plus you will look healthier and pretty like me."Mia replied. So I started to do this water diet. I felt so fatigue but it was for the best. "Hey sweetie come and eat." "No thanks mom, I already ate." This was repeated everyday. I always made up excuses to why I was not eating. "Why is my daughter acting strange." Mom always thought to herself.
120, 119, 118. "Is my daughter not eating?" I would sleep through dinner and I would drink water when I was hungry. I would lay down and could hear my stomach growling. "No eating, not just yet Sophia. Not just yet, it's not enough." I would hear Mia but I couldn't see her. I started to have bad stomach pain, headaches, and I was always so tired.
"Are you hungry Sophia?" Mia
asked. "Yea." I replied nervously hoping she wouldn't called me a pig. "We'll eat anything you desire but promise me you have to do what I say when you're done eating?" Mia asked. It was odd to me but I needed something to eat. I grabbed everything I could. I stuffed my mouth. I ate like a pig. "Okay! That's enough you pig, come with me." She pulled me and lead me to the toilet. "Take it out," Mia said in disappointment. "What do you mean?" I asked confused. "Your food, throw it up." I looked at he confused and scared. I was afraid of her "come on. You're going to gain, you're doing good. Open your eyes, Danielle stopped bullying you." She was right.
"You're doing great Sophia keep it up!" Mia would always
Say after I purged. "Sophia! Come eat!" Mom yelled from a distance. "No I don't want to i'm not enough." Not enough, what did my daughter mean by not enough.
"Mom I don't feel good my stomach really hurts,"
I told my mom. "I'll make an appointment to go to the doctors." Mom replied. I honestly didn't want to go. I was afraid to tell them about my eating habits. They were not normal. I grabbed my gray laptop to look up what was causing the pain I had. All of it led up to an eating disorder called "Bulimia Nervosa." I looked more into Bulimia. I read stories about people with this eating disorder and some people were gone because of this eating disorder but for some reason it didn't bother me. I just wanted to be thin. I would binge eat and then when I was finished I would look at pictures people with anorexia and purge out my food. That was no okay, that was not normal.If i went to the doctors they would think I was crazy.
"Thursday!" Mom yelled. "What do you mean by Thursday mom?"
I asked with a confused tone. "You're going to the doctors on Thursday." I was to scared, what it they find out and put me into a mental hospital. No I can't let them find out, I can't let them. "Mom I feel fine now," I said. "Well I already made the appointment so you're going."
I sat and waited. I felt so cold and nervous. I didn't want to go in. "Sophia!" Said the nurse in all pink while holding up a paper. She checked my height 5'3 and my weight 110pds. I whispered to myself "Not Enough." The nurse heard me and looked at me with a puzzled face.
I started to shake. I was so nervous. She kept asking what
was the reason I came. The fear of her asking what do I feel was making me cringe from telling her the truth. I didn't want anyone to know that I was crazy. I felt as someone was drowning me. I started to cry. My face was getting really hot and my body was really cold. I was having an anxiety attack. "I have... I have an eating disorder where I binge and purge. I'm not okay!" I said while tears came out my eyes. She started to type on her computer. "Bulimia Nervosa." She left the room so I started to panic again and then I heard the door knob turn. She came in with a referral in her hand. A referral to see the Psychiatrists.
Pills on pills on pills. Some made me feel happy and others made me feel like I wasn't myself, it wasn't me. I started to change and I was not ok with it. I missed Mia. I missed not having control. Although I still don't have control. The pills have the control. 109,108,107. I continued to keep it a secret. "I see you're still losing weight, well you look so much more beautiful like this." "Oh hi Mia, where have u been I've been looking for you?" I said. "I have to go keep it going because it's still not enough."
"How are you today Sophia?" My physiatrist Dr. Marco asked. "Oh I'm doing great actually!" I replied. "Are you lying?" Dr. Marco asked. "Yes I am, and look I've been lying. I'm still have my bad eating habits and I'm sorry but it's just so hard. I think about it everyday. Everytime I eat. The guilt is killing me. I wanna be thin. Mia will make me thin." "Sophia you've been losing weight and I'ma help you but you have to try to."
"Hey Sophia," Mia said. I wanted her gone but it was hard to let go. Going to the Psychiatrists was helping me but not enough that Mia was long gone, and I knew why she was still by my side. I wasn't trying. I couldn't let go. "Sophia! Are you going to keep ignoring me! Hello!" "What Mia! What do you want! To kill me! I know you do and I know what you want! Leave me alone Mia, get out of my head! Get out!"
Mia was the real bully. She was never my friend. Her biggest fear was for me to recover and I recovered. I'm happy without her. I could not have done it without Marco. My best Friend and Psychiatrists. BuliMIA was eating me up inside emotionally, physically, and mentally. I was Bulimic and I'm not proud but I am proud to say I survived Bulimia Nervosa.115 pds. I AM ENOUGH.
