Origin- Mark 2

Chapter 3- When Everything Was Depressing and Unmanageable

After my suitably upsettingly boring first couple of entries, I thought I may bore you some more.

Remember when I mentioned that my boss once called me ‘THE MOST PATHETIC HUMAN TO EVER DISGRACE THIS PLANET!’?

He’s also called me some other choice words, if you’re interested.

That boss rang me up one Thursday and told me he had found me a story. It was an amazing opportunity that he had found me, actually, a whole two page spread and a rise in my salary. Once he noticed that I was capable of nothing but an excited hyperventilation down the phone, he closed off with a friendly warning about the deadline:

‘It’s due in next Saturday- and if it isn’t on my desk that morning I WILL SKIN YOU ALIVE AND FEED YOU TO MY DAUGHTER’S CHI WAWA!’

Thanks, boss.

This is when everything got out of hand.

Hurrying down a dimly lit corridor was NOT how I planned to spend my Friday night.

Everything about that corridor was unpleasant. My shoes squeaked in an irritating way on the shiny floor. My nostrils were assaulted with the noxious fumes of disinfectant, making me feel light headed.  The last time I had been in a corridor like this I was 8 years old and on a stretcher. I had the impossible mindset of a child that if I believed hard enough, I could indeed fly. A warning to all you kids out there: SPLAT.

I had time to reflect on my life as I rushed to the door. I often found time to look back at my life, and was never happy with what I saw, ever.

I had no distinguishing features, and would never be able to stand out in a crowd. I was an average height. In fact, the only thing slightly recognisable about me was how extraordinarily thin I was. I tripped over my shoelaces and was forced to acknowledge the sad, sad fact that I still can’t tie up my shoes. Also there is the depressing fact I still live with my Mum.

I hoped that the story I was chasing would get me out of my dead-end job, and propel me into stardom. I would have enough money to move out, maybe get myself a girlfriend.

All of the money I could make out of that story had me practically drooling. I would be set for life!

‘Set for life’ I whispered to myself longingly, licking my chapped lips.

I stopped a few meters from the door. Much like me, there was hardly anything exceptional about that door, apart from how small its frame was. I paused and straightened my ill-fitting blazer. The grip on my notepad was so tight it felt like my knuckles were about to burst from my skin.

I knocked twice. The door was opened by a great gorilla of a man, bundled into a white lab coat. The fabric stretched over his bulging muscles. I had to crane my neck upwards to catch a glimpse of his rugged, handsome face.

Tall, handsome, muscular- I hated him already.

‘Mr. Shrewd, right?’ He inquired in a thick, Russian accent.

‘It’s, it’sssssssssssss Shrew.’ I replied in a squeaky voice. My God, I thought, even my voice is pathetic!

‘Obanoffskii’ The ape grinned and extended a melon-sized hand.

‘No,’ I whimpered, appalled at my voice and secretly delighted the man was an idiot, ‘it’s Shrew.’

The man looked blank for a couple of seconds. My stomach dropped as I realised he had been introducing himself. Suddenly, he threw back his head and laughed a deep, manly laugh. I tittered along nervously.

‘Ah,’ Obanoffsii chuckled, wiping away a tear, ‘my apologies Mr. Shrewd, but I have yet to become accustomed to the British Humour…’

I almost shook his hand until I saw mine and how small it was. I figured there would be less damage for my man-pride if I didn’t compare them in a handshake.