No one knew that I passed out and still. I'm like having an adventure in my head; my soul is alive but my body is dead. If they just knew how horrible my mind is, if they just knew what I am going through. Sometimes I'm thinking what if they saw my scars all over my body? I'm wondering if they'll care or they will feel pity on me. Definitely they'll hate you and feel disgusted, walk away from you then they will send you to mental hospital, they'd hate you. Nothing's to be loved about me, who will love about a fat girl? An ugly girl? A girl that is totally broken, an emo, a cutter, a suicidal? Absolutely no one.
Somehow my mind was shut. I woken up by afternoon by my music; it was playing all night. Why they didn't got worried or stuff? Oh well, they used to it. I was at the floor. I stand up and went to bathroom , one question came.
"Why did I woken up?" I ask myself as I face the mirror.
I started to undress and take a shower, a cold shower. The water flows through my face as well as my tears. Why all I do is sobbing and crying? I just hate the thought of how weak I am that I can't even defend myself from them. I can't do anything. I sit at the bath tub, I saw my razor, they are free at my room especially at my bathroom because no one's got the chance to be in here 'coz they know I'll kill them. I look at it and realized how I've miss it, I usually use the razor on my purse; I have it anytime anywhere. I took it and did one cut at my arm, second, third, fourth, fifth, as it counts it's getting deeper. I stopped, last one, I'm on my last resort ; my wrist.
My veins shows, it's really green I can see it clearly, it's very triggering. I look at the blood that's dripping on the bath tub they ain't stop bleeding and I feel strange, I can't fathom what it is. Though you can never compare the physical pain to emotional pain, it somehow helps me.
I was about to slid the razor to my wrist when someone knocks on my door.
"Levy, your parents and Jonas left, they sent me here to take care of you." So now they're going to babysit me to the person that I don't even knew who is it. Just how they easily trust people. Oh well based on the voice it's a 'he' or a boy. And how he got in here?! Obviously they didn't locked the door.
"Levy? You alright? Hey?" and he started to fucking shake my door.
"Levy?!!" he yelled.
"Goddamn it! What?!" I shouted. I'm pretty hot-headed that's why I usually don't talk to people and they don't want to talk to me either.
"Are you alright?! Let me in. They said you didn't get out since yesterday." because I was at the floor and I passed out.
"None of your business!" I shout from the bathroom.
"I should care because your brother will probably kill me if something went wrong. ishh!"
"He doesn't care I mean they didn't care so why would you?! Get lost! I can do it all by myself! I can live on my own! I'm 16 already!"
"As you say so!" I heard silence, I'm glad he left already he's disturbing something important in here. This is it, I'll do it now, it's the perfect time because I'm all alone, just do one deep cut and you'll be happy right after this. My skin and razor touched.
"What the hell Levy?" I jumped that made me slit my wrist too deep and my eyes widen on what I see; I'm scared, there are too much blood but this is what I wanted right? I turned my head where the voice came from.
"Damn you Levy! Damn You!" he keeps saying that as he looks for a towel and when he found one he placed it to my wrist with full of blood that constantly flowing. I'm scared, I'm shocked, I'm dumbfounded. Someone knew it already; I'm screwed. He's wrapping me a towel now and let me wear my undergarments. I forgot that I was naked because everything happened so fast.
And what the hell? He knew I was taking a bath and I'm IN here the bathroom.
"What the hell are you doing!?" while he's looking for clothes and he found none, i hid my clothes that no one can see; at the----
"Where the hell are your clothes?!" he flashed to the bathroom and grabbed my bathrobe.
"Put this on! Faster!" but he's holding my arm how am I supposed to wear this? I hold back my arm and wear it.
"Let them bleed, it's it's ---"
"No! I'll take you to the hospital! You're bleeding ocean!" that made me laugh a bit.
"What the hell is funny?!?" he grabbed my arm as we run the house, he's right I'm bleeding ocean I lost to much blood and they are dripping and scattered all over the house. The white towel a while ago becomes red. He's driving to death and he seems scared because he's shaking; I'm sorry stranger. I sighed.
"Oh my fucking god Levy, what are you doing?!!! Why?!" I respond silence.
-Hospital-
I could feel the bandage on my left arm and wrist; I only have scars on my left arm you could see how beautiful my arms were, a tear suddenly fall. I'm still not opening my eyes, I don't want to open it! I can't accept the fact that I'm still breathing, that I'm alive, that I'm still in here. The door cracks, I hurriedly wiped my tears.
"Seen it already." he said, I suddenly burst into tears and I turned my back to him. I'm biting my lower lip and curled into a ball. I'm used to cry silently. He hugged me from behind, a tight hug. Now he's facing me already because I could feel his breath and his stare.
"Open your eyes." he said.
"NO!" and I keep crying and put my hands to my mouth to keep it close and free from any stuff from me to him; that's disgusting if I didn't closed it. I'm crying really hard. I can hardly breathe, I could feel a pound in my heart because of everything I feel right now,and I'm feeling I was betrayed by my demons, why did they let the medicines wake me? Why did they abandoned me? I wanted to run away from here. I'm releasing all the pain through crying. I never cried like this before, I'm trembling.
He held my hand and touched my arms and wrist that's bleeding ocean earlier.
"Your skin is too precious to be touched by razors. No one deserves any cuts, scars..... because of the pain and hatred. You deserved to be loved because you are good and wonderful enough Levy." he's now touching my arm with scars; the reason why I always wear long sleeves and sweat bracelets. He embraced them. I could feel his breathe and warm on my arm.
