Separated

Nine

Chapter9

"Is it possible to be gay without even knowing you are?" I asked, pulling a book from the small shelf. How to Introduce Your Child to Sex.

"Is there something you're not telling me?" Ms. Carter asked, folding her hands on the desk.

"I'm just curious."

"Curious about..."

I sighed and turned to face her. "I just want to know, okay?"

"You can tell me anything, Emma. I won't judge you."

"You never answered my question."

Ms. Carter sighed. "That's how most people live. They never truly know until something happens to change that."

I looked back at the bookshelf. Was that what I was dealing with with Tori?

No, no way. I wasn't gay. I didn't find girls attractive. I didn't get sigh when a hot girl walked by. That wasn't me.

Or was it? Was it one of those things where I didn't have multiple people but just one person who did that to me whenever I saw them?

No. That wouldn't happen to me. Not with a girl or a guy. People didn't do that to me. I wasn't sure I'd ever find someone I'd want to kiss or marry or have kids with. If I couldn't have a friend, how could I get a boyfriend? Or girlfriend?

No. No. I wasn't gay. I wasn't.

"What was that?" Ms. Carter asked, her eyebrows raised.

Had I said that out loud?

"Yes, you did."

My cheeks reddened. "Well I'm not."

She stayed silent but I knew her eyes were on me.

"This is nuts. I'm not gay. I can't be."

"Why can't you be? Are you afraid your parents won't approve?"

I sighed. "My parents wouldn't even notice. Even if I told them to their faces."

"They'd at least like to know what was going on with you."

"They're too busy with their own problems and their own... relationship to care about me."

"How do you know?"

"I just do." I said, stubbornly. My parents barely noticed me at all. My mother called once every so often and my dad only checked on me to make sure I had something to eat and that I'd left for school. I don't even know if he made it to work or not.

Ms. Carter wrote something on a sticky note then held it out to me. "Talk to whoever this person is. See why they're interested in you then see if that's enough for you to be interested in them."

"I'm not gay." I said. But as I looked down at the paper, the words there weren't what I wanted to hear. Just give it a try.

-----------------------------------------

I paced the length of the room, biting at my nails. My nerves were just about shot. My hands were shaking, I couldn't stop moving, and my stomach felt like it was about to turn upside down.

After my meeting with Ms. Carter, I couldn't focus in class. I couldn't concentrate on anything my teachers were saying and I couldn't even read the words in the book in front of me. My mind was stuck on what Ms. Carter had said.

So after fourth period, right before lunch, I left school and headed for a place where I could think better. It wasn't a very good place nor idea but it was something. I was moving. I was doing something.