Sweet Confessions

My Deepest Darkest Secret

It was two years ago when I realized I was having feelings for my bestfriend, or as other people saw it, my group mate. He was five years younger than me, but somehow putting the age gap aside, we connected in a way that was beyond comprehension. We knew each other on so many levels that it hurt to think we were only friends. Friends who told each other everything, friends who laughed and cried together, friends who slept in bunks opposite each other so they could leave the curtains open and talk all night, but that was it: friends, just friends. And that was the extent of Justin's affection for me.

Nothing could have prepared me for the truth. Of course, there were some signs that emerged ever since the beginning, but I chose to ignore them. Like the uncomfortable lurch in the pit of my stomach every time Justin would bring a girl to the hotel and introduce her to the guys and me, 0or the nasty reproachful feeling that I had towards Justin's other agenda that made him miss a boys' night outwith us, you know, trivial matters.

But the first real signal arrived when Justin broke his knee during rehearsal. I almost cried when I looked at him crying in pain. I panicked, and I couldn't do anything but stand thyere in horror. Joey, Lance and Chris crowded around him, throwing questions like "Are you okay?" or "Where does it hurt?" but the only time I could bring myself to move was when I heard him asked for me. "Where's JC?" He groaned. So the medics took him and brought him to the studio clinic, and I was there beside him, suppressing all the tears that were one blink away from falling. That very night, I had a dream about us together in white suits. Eveything around was blurry; the only thing that was as clear as crystal was his beautiful face shining in front of me. Then and only then I realize we were actually in a church and a priest stood before us, a book on his hand. It was a wedding, our wedding and the joy in my heart could not be measured. When I woke up, Justin was sleeping peacefully beside me, his arm draped over my waist. I remembered suddenly that he actually asked to sleep with me the night before right after his injury. And that's when it really hit me.

I was in love with Justin, my bestfriend, the kid who asked sex advices from me, the kid who once called me 'Dad', the kid who was like my little brother! OH-MY-GOD!!!

For so long, I struggled in keeping this new found information to myself and not showing any sign of change whatsoever. Justin knew me better than anyone else ever did, even my mom, actually, and if something was wrong or something was troubling me, he would be the first person to notice as though my pain was calling out to him like a horn. So I made sure I was careful in concealing this secret, even if my life was on the line, as long as I wasn't committing anything that may have a shot at ruining our friendship.

So, since then, every single freaking minute of my life was consumed on making sure that I was in control of myself at all times and not letting my emotions take over me. (Because let's face it, Justin was irresistible.) And thank God, from what it appeared to be, I was doing a good job.

Or so I thought.