To Be Alone

Four

To be alone is defined as having no one else present. Yet even this is not always true, you can feel completely alone even in the largest crowd; I once read somewhere that the loneliest place to live is New York. I guess I will never have the chance to know if that is true now.

When the sun finally rose above the horizon the next morning I had all but given up hope. I hadn't moved since I had fallen, and my arm was still crumpled underneath my chest. My breath rasped in my throat, each one more and more labored. At some point in the night I had said my goodbyes to everyone who I loved and now I lay there, watching the tide advance.

As I watched the waves rise and fall it began to feel like the beach itself was moving, swaying in time to the tide. Ebbing and falling, back and forth. It reminded me of a ride I once went on at a funfair with Luke. We were twelve, and it was the last night of summer. Together we had climbed the stairs on shaky legs to the ride which all kids called 'The Death-Trap'. With pale faces we had strapped in and then almost as an after thought he had taken my hand, "In case you get scared", and then the ride had begun. Higher and higher we climbed until with a click the ride was released and we swung through the air. Immediately my fear had disappeared and I had screamed in joy, raising our clasped hands in the air and whooping in exhilaration. That night had been the night I had my first kiss.

A bird screamed overhead and I snapped out of my daydream, back into my reality. The delirium I was slipping into was slowly growing and each time it was getting harder and harder to escape. Even now as I stared into the sea it looked like the water was coming together to form a shape, spiraling upwards until it looked like somewhere was stepping out the water. The figure walked up the beach towards me, reforming again and again into different people. Aggie, Mum, Dad, Felix, Gran, my old-headmistress, Luke.

Luke.

He stepped forward and held out a hand for me, his usual smile splitting his face and revealing a row of pearly white teeth.

"Leila, what are you doing darling? Why have you given up?" He said softly, crouching down to look me in the eye.

"L-Luke" I tried to frame the single word, forcing my lips to contort.

"This isn't like you, our Leila doesn't give up" He said, and suddenly he wasn't alone. Next to him stood Aggie and Felix, further back my parents stood arm in arm.

"I-I'm not s-sure I can g-go on" I whispered, "Why d-did you leave me?"

"We never left you Leila" said Felix as he stepped forward. "You need to get up now, you're so close sweetheart."

"Do us proud Leila" Aggie said smiling.

"I-I need to get up now. I need to d-do you proud" I muttered, pushing up on shaking arms to get to my knees. By the time I had made it I was exhausted, sweat running down my cheeks and mingling with the tears and blood. My shoulders screamed from the movement, the skin tight from sunburn.

"That's it Leila, just ten more steps" said Felix grinning, and I felt my heart stop.

"You a-aren't really here, are y-you?" my voice broke as I spoke, knowing it to be true. Now that I looked at Luke I realized that his head was fine, no blood anywhere. He looked happy and carefree as normal. Tears pooled in my eyes and spilled out, rolling away.

"Leila, we are here always. In your heart. But you need to be brave now darling, please get up." Luke said urgently and I forced myself to crawl towards him. Each meter seemed to take an eternity, the sand stuck to my hands and my dress kept catching under my knees. But slowly but surely I advance, accompanied all the while by my friends. For hours it seemed I worked away, using reserves of strengths I never knew I had. Eventually the sand under my hands began to get stickier and finally my hand came away wet.

I raised my exhausted head and stared in shock. My aimless crawling had taken me down the beach to a small stream. Hesitantly I lowered my head and licked the water. It was fresh! Without thinking I stuck my face in and took deep gulps, feeling it was away the sand in my mouth and fill my stomach. Too early I became full, my stomach bloating from the swift drinking.

Even now I felt my body regain strength and I was able to cup my hands and scoop it into my mouth, unable to get enough. It trickled down my chin and onto my dress and this in turn cooled me.

"Thank you!" I whispered to no one in particular. "Thank you, thank you, thank you." The world wasn't ready to get rid of me yet.

After a while I managed to pause from drinking enough to clean my cuts and sores, reveling in the feeling of being clean. For a second the blood turned red with my blood and my vision was attacked with images of Luke's' own bloody halo. Soon however the water swept the blood away and with this the memory faded, leaving me alone once again with my thoughts.

Finally, I remember my friends and I turned around to share this miracle with them. Except they were longer here, I was alone. My stomach clenched in the pain, it felt like I had lost them all over again. The joy I had felt at thinking they were here with me turned sour, and a lump appeared in my throat. The water ran over my feet, gurgling happily and sounding like the laughter I so craved to hear. I tilted my head and looked up the stream, trying to work out where this miracle had come from. It ran up the beach, around rocks and finally disappeared into the trees. A journey for another time. Now, however, I was happy to focus on this gift and drink until I could physically hold no more. When this happened I lay back in the shade of a rock, more content then I had felt in days. Although I was still physically alone, mentally I couldn't have been more crowded.

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Love Tilly xx