Catsby: A Novel

Chapter 25: Part 2

Stewart continued: "I slipped away from Ian, who was still sleeping. He was doing this little snoring thing he always did, which was just so adorably cute. I stretched my legs. What a perfect morning. The gray English skies were blue for a change. Bunnies were hopping, birds were singing, children were laughing. Okay, there weren't any children, but you get the picture. If there were children, they would have been laughing so hard that they'd have to be put down with tranquilizers. That's how beautiful it was.

"Leave it to me to screw it all up.

"There was this trail, you see, right next to the log. We hadn't noticed it at night, but there it was. I was hungry—and even more importantly, thirsty. Ian would be when he woke up as well. What if the trail led to water? I didn't see any other reason anyone would traipse through the woods, besides for food or water. It couldn't hurt to check it out. I doubted any dangerous animals would be on the prowl during the day. How incredibly naïve of me, for the most dangerous animal of all prowls during the day: man.

"The trail was not wide enough for horse nor car, but the grass was beaten down to the dirt. Perhaps it would lead to a house, where I could scrounge in the trash for a small meal. The thought of digging through garbage repulsed me, but we had to eat. After ten minutes without any luck, I was just about to give up when I found it: a cabin. Off to the side sat a trashcan. A peek into the aluminum trashcan couldn't hurt. And who knows? Maybe the owner of the house would be on the market for a pair of house cats. Wherever we ended up, we would end up together. It could be no other way.

"I approached the can with caution. Going by the overgrown lawn, the cabin might have been abandoned. Or maybe the homeowner just hated to do yardwork. I stood on my hind legs and nudged the lid. It was securely fastened. Of course it would be, out in the middle of the woods. I probably wasn't the first animal to get the idea to go after table scraps. Oh well. It had been worth a try.

"As I turned to walk back down the trail, the cabin door opened. A man in a blue cloak with a long, white beard emerged. It looked like he hadn't set foot outside in ages. Was this the male version of a cat lady? I froze. In his right hand, he held a great wand with a brilliant scepter on the tip.

"'I am a great and powerful wizard,' the man said, his voice booming through the clearing. 'Anyone who follows my happy trail to my secret lair is granted three wishes. Therefore, I will grant thee three wishes.'

"Without thinking, I said I was famished and would like something to drink and eat.

"With a flick of his wrist, a lightning bolt shot out of the wand and struck the spot at my feet. Once the smoke cleared, I found a bowl of Meow-Mix Seafood Special and a bowl of water. I dove into the Meow-Mix, and before I knew it I'd finished off the entire thing. Then I washed it down by drinking my body weight in water. I rolled onto my back, feeling like a bloated American feline.

"I realized too late that I'd left nothing for Ian. My second wish, then, was for my friend to be fed as well. With another flick of his wrist, the powerful wizard shot another lightning bolt into the forest.

"I was down to one wish. I'd so far only thought with my stomach, and with my heart. I would need to think about this third wish. If I could have anything in the world, what would it be? Clearly, the one thing Ian and I wanted was to live in a household with someone who understood our needs. But it was clear that we understood each other's needs so well. We didn't need a person; we just needed each other. But a cat can't own another cat. Unless...

"'I want to be human, like you,' I began, 'and I want my friend to be human as well, and I want to be able to speak like you, and walk like you, and—'

"The wizard stopped me. 'This sounds like more than one wish. You can't make multiple wishes, and just use the word 'and' to link them together. I'm giving you three wishes for free. I mean, you're not even paying for them.'

"I told him I didn't see what the big deal was. He was acting like a sore loser. I was well within my rights to use 'and' to string my wish on as long as I wanted. So what if the longer my wish was, the harder it was to fulfill? He shouldn't have offered in the first place. I didn't ask to be granted three wishes, after all.

"The wizard shook his head and let out a big sigh, but let me continue with my wish.

"When I finished, he asked if that was all—and I said yes, it was. Then with one last flick of his wrist, I was transformed by his magical wand into the man you see today."

"And Ian? What happened to Ian?"

Sir Catrick Stewart's countenance grew somber. "He was transformed as well. Unfortunately, the magical bolt responsible for his transformation also struck the dry brush where Ian had just finished eating the meal I'd wished for him to have—his last meal, as it turns out. A fire started, and the blaze consumed him alive. It was horrid, but it was over quickly."

"The wizard couldn't save him?"

"I was out of wishes. The wizard's power only worked when he was granting wishes. The wizard couldn't even save his own cabin from the blaze. The fire burned through the woods, and destroyed the cat lady's house. She lost her life—as did every cat inside. The horror....oh God, the horror.

"There's a saying: Be careful what you wish for. The truth of those words haunts me to this day. I lived for a while as a man, but couldn't escape my true nature. I was a cat, and am still a cat—the fursuit is irrelevant. That's why, unfortunately, I cannot help you."

Be careful what you wish for? The tragic ending to the tale would have turned any other furry away. But not Catsby. He had nothing to lose. If the wizard could transform Sir Catrick Stewart into a human being, then surely he could do the reverse.

Catsby stared into Stewart's eyes. "Where is this wizard now?"