Goner

Brother (Tyler)

Wanted to be a better brother, better son. Wanted to be a better adversary to the evil I have done.
-TØP 'Polarize'

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My eyes shoot open and land on Jay, who is sitting on the end of the bed looking at me. His face wearing an expression that could be read as confused, and concerned.

"Tyler, what's going on?" whispers Jay "Are you ok?"

I open my mouth to speak, but nothing  comes out. I look down, and at that moment, I realize that my breathing is off, I'm twitching, and my wrists are red.

As I look up, Jay looks down and his facial expression changes when he realizes what I did. He looks back up and his mouth is aghast. Grabbing him by the collar of his shirt, I pull his face closer to mine.

"Don't you dare, tell anyone." I say quietly, looking at him dead in his eyes.

"Ty-"

"I'll get better! Just, don't tell anyone."

He nods slowly, as he stands up and walks out of my room, closing the door behind him.

I sit alone for a few moments before I hear a door being slam shut. Immediately an extremely large amount of guilt starts building up inside of me.

Look at you. Screwing up everything.

No, it's too early for this. I shake my head to try and get rid of my thoughts, but they only come back worse.

Your own brother hates you now. Don't you have any self control?

I would if you would just shut up and leave me alone.

Wake up you stupid freak! You're doing this to yourself! I'm only critiquing you!

I'll believe that when I'm dead.

You better.

Then all is quite. The throbbing that was in my head is no longer there, I'm breathing fine again, but my arms, still red. Sighing, I roll out of bed and head over to the bathroom.

Placing my hands on the sink, I look at myself in the mirror. I look like a complete mess. I poke at the bags under my eyes, run my fingers around the bottom half of my teeth and try and smooth out my eyebrows. No difference.

I turn to the side and stare at the semi-slim figure that has changed since the beginning of the tour. Definitely gained at least 10 pounds. What's wrong with me? I go on tour for two months and come back as a ball of fat.

I continue to stare at my reflection when I remember the reason I came in this dumb bathroom. To fix myself, but I'm only tearing myself apart even more. I look back down at my wrists, looking worse then last night.

They are all distorted, and covered in dry blood. Probably scratched last night. Ever since I started, all those years ago, I've scratched my wrists in my sleep. I wish I could stop, but I can't. I'm stuck on automatic.

I snatch the dark grey hand towel off of the towel holder, switch on the sink, and wet the dark piece of fabric. I gently press the towel against my wrists. It stings a little, but I don't want anyone else to see what I have done. I don't want to be the cause of someone worrying, but I've already done that.

I'm sorry.

That's all I can think. I've messed up far to many times to count. I look at myself once again, then force myself out of the bathroom. I walk until I'm in the middle of the room and, I just stand there. No motivation, no purpose and full of negativity.

Looking around, I notice how much has changed since the last time I was here. Zack's bed has been removed, our pictures have been taken out, and all the basketball medals and trophies have disappeared, but it's whatever. Those trophies and ugly school pictures have never meant anything to me, and they never will.

I look down, and realize that I'm still in my clothes from yesterday. I undress myself and throw the clothes next to my closed suitcase. After unzipping it, I reach in and grab a fresh pair of underwear, socks, black basketball shorts and a plain white tee.

After sliding on my bottoms and socks, I throw the tee over my head, grab my phone and slowly head out of my room. As I walk down the hallway, I freeze at Jay's door.

Ok, Tyler just go through the door.

But what if he's super mad?

That's ok, let him be mad, but you need to reassure him you're going to be ok.

And what if I'm not, going to be ok?

You're going to be ok, just go through the goddamn door.

Sighing, I reach down for the handle on the door and twist the door knob, but the door swings open, revealing Jay. His face is filled with sadness and stained with tears, all because of me.

I take an extremely deep breath.

"Look I know I'm selfish I just thought that doing this would make me feel better and I know I messed up and I'm sor-"

"Stop." Jay mummers, "Just stop. I thought you were getting better. I thought this whole thing was over now. I thought, wrong. And how could you say that it makes you feel better knowing that you're hurting me, mom dad and-"

"Jay, they don't know."

"Of course they don't, you'd be back in psych ward if they did."

I shudder at the thought. There's no way I'm going back there, I'd rather die then set foot back in that atrocious place.

"Ty, please stop, I know it's hard but you have so many people to live for."

"I know." I say as I turn and make my way downstairs. "I'm going on a run, see you later."

Ignoring my grumbling stomach, I grab a pair of headphones off of the coffee table, tie up my Nike running shoes, and head out the front door.

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AN//
I've returned! It's been an extremely busy few months for me and I never really had time to sit down and finish, but here's another awkward chapter !! Oh and my twenty one pilots concert was a few days ago and it was amazing, I hope you all get a chance to see them live! I'm hoping to update more now that it's summer. Thank you for being patient. <3