The Fault in Our Stars

How could I forget the day I got a call from the hospital about Hazel's death? I suffered everyday from severe depression. I lost sleep, and couldn't eat for weeks. I couldn't tell if I was happy, sad, or mad. You can't blame me, how would you feel if you lost the love of your life?

¨Honey, wake up,¨ my mom repeated for the fifth time. I was pretty sure my mom was worried about me, as if she didn't think I would ever get my life back in order after Hazel's death. Hazel Grace Lancaster was my 17 year old girlfriend. She was diagnosed with stage 4 Thyroid cancer spreading into her lungs. She died about a month ago and I still can't get over the thought of her death.

¨I will be ready in 5 minutes Mom,¨ I replied. My mom had this brilliant idea that I go back to the support group where I met Hazel for the first time. She thought it would be good for me and my best friend Isaac to start bonding again.

"Mom, do I have to go? Can I just call Isaac and talk to him later?"

"Yes, now get ready," my mom argued. I didn't really see why I had to go listen to people's problems about their life when I already had problems with mine. I wondered why I couldn't just go to his house, but my mom insisted that I go to the support group to work out my problems with Hazel too. I mean Isaac is the only person in the world who can help me get over Hazel. Isaac and I knew each other for a very long time, so maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to see him again.

On our way to the support group the closer we got my stomach ache hurt harder and harder. I tried to explained to my mom and she just accused me of over exaggerating, but I actually never felt this way before. It's almost as if I knew something bad was going to happen.

As I stepped through the doors the air got harder to breathe, I felt as if I didn't even belong in the room. I saw everyone in the room with a big smile on their faces and greeting me very kindly, but how could such a happy place feel so wrong? I swear something wasn't right. When I finally sat down the leader of the group, Patrick, said,

"Gus, you're here. What a great surprise."

"Wouldn't want to be anywhere else," I said sarcastically. When I glanced across the room I didn't see Isaac. Isaac always arrived 15 minutes early to everything. He was never late to something. Now this really started to worry me. I proceed to question Patrick about why Isaac wasn't here but he could not answer.

About 30 minutes into support group everyone kept repeatedly asking how I felt after Hazel's death, I told Patrick I didn't feel comfortable answer these questions. All he did was tell me it would only help me get over my depression. About 15 minutes later I couldn't take it, I asked if I could step outside for a fresh breathe of air. As soon as I got outside I called Isaac's mom. I tried to call Isaac but he didn't answer.

"Hey um I was just wondering why Isaac wasn't at support group," I stared.

"Oh, hey Gus, Isaac has been very ill lately. He should be fine though."

"Okay... do you think he will being attended support group tomorrow," I replied?

"Yes, I believe so," his mom explained.

...

The next day I got up, but this time I actually want to get up and see Isaac. It's not that I didn't want to see him everyday, it's just I was so depressed I didn't even want to do anything.

Today I felt normal, I felt like everything was back to normal. I walked into the support group and didn't see Isaac again. I walked everywhere and did not see him. I had butterflies in my stomach, I ran around the whole building screaming,

¨ISAAC, ISAAC, ISAAC.¨

I sprinted outside and called Isaac's mom and she told me that he has peacefully passed away, but somehow I felt like I lost everything. I felt as if I didn't know what to do with my life. I lost everything my girlfriend and my bestfriend, the only people who I actually cared about and they cared for me. I smashed my hands in to my car and cried till I felt as if I could not cry anymore. I wish I could have understand why cancer was so brutal, it felt as if it took everyone away from my life. Now a days I look up at the stars and say

¨Okay...?¨ and every once in awhile I hear them whisper

¨Okay.¨