My Book of Poetry and Prose

Heartbroken

Today was the day I felt it.It's the first time I feel this. This pain that clings to my heart. That heavy feeling, a weight inside. Pressing on my heart. The shortness of breath. The blurry vision. I don't know if they were tears or just haziness.It's hard to breathe. Hard to move. Hard to sleep. Hard to eat.

The guy I like told me upfront that he like me as a friend and that he didn't want to see me hurt. I played it off and told him that I only saw him as a friend. I lied. It was my second lie. He was relieved that I won't be hurt and carried on with our conversation. Yet, I couldn't be my usual self. I couldn't think of things to talk about or tell him. I was rigid and cold. The relief coursed through my veins when my dad came home and I had to excuse myself. It's been 6 hours; I still haven't talked to him.

He confused me. Telling me to not go and talk to him. Saying I'm smart, not like most girls, can hold a chat. Yet, other times, he'd go and invite his female friend over to where we were supposed to meet. I'm not jealous. I just wanted to spend some time alone with him. To talk and catch up. I'm not comfortable around new people, yet with him I can talk all day and night. Tell him everything. Not hide anything. I've never felt the need to tell someone my life story. For them to accept me for who I am. I always built walls around myself to protect myself from predators that lurk in the shadows. Yet, he completely and utterly walked through them, like they weren't there. Like the years spent maintaining that wall did not take place. And the worst part, I didn't mind it. I didn't complain. I was happy and content. For the first time in a while, there was always a smile on my face and I slept like never before. And I only had sweet, sweet dreams unlike the nightmares that haunt me. And I dreamt about him and I felt at ease after it. Is that what love feels like? It's too early to say love.

I don't even know how he entered my heart when he didn't check all the boxes for my type of guy. The heart can't help who it falls for. He wasn't my type, he wasn't the type of guy I would perhaps fall for. He was the opposite in every way. However, we have so much in common. I don't know how it's possible. Here he is now having me question everything. I used to be sure of most things. And now? Now I'm the no idea where to be or go zone. The lost zone.

I'm tired of disappointments. I am tired of uncertainties. I am tired of hopelessness. I am tired of not finding happiness. I am tired of the depression that has been haunting me for the past two years, and yet with him it doesn't exist. I am tired of the sadness and the heartache. I am just tired of everything.
You may call me dramatic and foolish. But that is how I feel right now. My friend told me it will hurt and it'll take time to heal. She told me to vent. Here I am. Confessing what I feel. Confessing what I'm thinking about. Confessing everything.