A Study in Introspection

Chapter Two

The Disposal Phase

When he finally left his flat after those 22 days and found out, that no one had asked about him or was concerned about his absence he wasn't surprised in the least. He was a man who easily fled and to those nearest to him this was nothing but another run. He found out that he had been fired but he didn't let it bother him since his redundancy money was quite enough.

Also his mind was being kept busy by planning his next step to accomplish what it was that his ghost was seeking.

That day he went to the drug store and purchased articles which were alien and very odd, indeed, to him.

Makeup, was to be found amongst it, eyeliner and other curious things.

When he got home he placed himself in front of the mirror and it took him four whole hours to find the secret to applying the colours to his face, without it being very noticeable. He was quite surprised at his pretty, healthy reflection and wished he would always look as beautiful as he did this very moment.

He then looked through his clothes and decided to wear a white button down, decorated his neck with a black bow tie and then proceeded to put on a pair of black pants. When he was finally done he left his flat without a jacket covering his once broad, strong shoulders, despite the biting cold.

Taking the underground to his desired destination he felt anxious and self-confident at the very same time. At last he reached where he wanted to be after a foot walk of about thirty minutes.

His researches led him to this place, enlightened by odd twilight as he stood in between all those barely dressed ladies waiting for their lovers for the night.

And with that he started the disposal phase.

And as before, once he couldn't take it anymore, he returned to his old battered flat, looked at his beautiful face for one last time, before washing his second skin off. He then took out his notebook and bit through those miserable eighteen days.

"1st day", he read.

I am feeling anxious.  So anxious I am afraid my heart might explode. But I am confident. I am beautiful.

I've done it now. I feel dirty. And used. Empty like a shell. How long can i keep this up? The woman was reeking of alcohol. And she was married. I've become a betrayer. And she was so unbelievably hot. I could constantly feel the warmth radiating off her shrunken body. She felt wrong. Every second felt like torture. Her greedy hands were everywhere and I had to do my best to not to run away. She touched everything which was Saraphine's. I had to take medicaments to be able to do it. It was disgusting.  I will shower now. Maybe I can wash that nasty feeling off.

2nd day

I am ugly. I have to be. I was the only man there and yet nobody wanted me. Maybe they could see the marks that raggedy old lady left, maybe I've really turned into a monster. I don't know but I am tired. Unbelievably tired. I will go to bed now.

3rd day

I am getting frustrated. Really and thoroughly.  Why am I doing this? I'm going to bed now. I'm angry.

4th day

I had a customer tonight. I didn't like the way he looked at me. It was scary. And later, it hurt. I don't know why people would be doing this but it was properly hurting. I am feeling used again. Empty again.

I can't believe that I actually was sad that no one came for me the nights before. My self-esteem is easily cracked.  But when I look into the mirror I see a beautiful man. There aren't many beautiful men. I'm an exception and yet no one appreciates it. What would Saraphine say if she had seen me like this? It hurt a lot. I don't want to have to do this again.  This man felt so desperate I think he even cried. I don't like it. I'm going to wash all of this off. Maybe I can return to normality for at least an hour.