A Study in Introspection

Chapter Five

The Disposession Phase

After the cleanse he gave himself a rest of two days, whilst which he spoiled himself with tea, endlessly long, warm baths and sleep. With some heartache, indeed, he left his flat behind after this all too short break, wearing an incredulously big jacket and two blankets.

Then he took the train to the next city and settled down at the train station, in the most literal sense. Homelessness would be his next demise.

The first two days two people gave him money, far from generous, but enough for some old bread.His water he got from the public restrooms. The next few days were arguably better and on the tenth day he even gathered enough for a warm meal

And then came the cold. Biting frost sweeping through the glassy halls of the train station, sweeping away people and the memory of warmth from his sorry head. He spent his time freezing, fell into a fever induced delirium only to awake after five days, visibly weakened and at the end of his powers.

But, verily, he did not give up. He remained where he was for a whole month until it was that someone spit on him while he was asleep and he was beaten awake by said monsters friend. He gathered his few belongings and ran for his life and ran to his home. And Then He Collapsed.

He cried until dawn, wept until the break of the  n e w day and screamed until his voice was gone.

How the human being loves destruction.

1st day

God has left me, I am sure. Left to live off the mercy of strangers, animals, merely. I am haughty, as haughty as one can be despite my past and future. How absurd.
I am not hungry. I am not full. I had my share of food and now I am tired but my brain won't let me rest. I am too afraid, exposed.

People don't look at my kind. It is shame that averts their eyes. How odd to experience the other perspective. Or rather, lack of. An old woman gave me some money. Enough for a humble meal.
My eyelids are heavy.

2nd day

I feel non-existent.
Everyone avoids my eyes. There is another woman like me in here.
She is wearing a hijab and kneeling, her head touching the ground. Ever since I have arrived I have only seen her in a different position when she got up to leave at the end of the day and when she had to use the restroom.
What a pitiful existence.
Held high human rights have gone in the hiding in the face of this atrocity.

3rd day

Why am I getting more money than the woman?
It must be her religion. People despise Muslims.
I wanted to share my money with her but she declined.
I could even afford a banana to my bread. How nice.

4th day

This is bearable. Maybe I have become stronger. Maybe I levelled up. Maybe I was weak. It must be the knowledge that there is a home waiting for me giving me strength. How shameful to think that I put myself in this situation deliberately while there are people stuck in it.

Shameful.

But I never chose this. Why would anyone choose this? My mind made this decision I had to obey to flee from the Emotional death. The emotional death a much dreaded substance without any matter.

Much like love. And hate.

What a lazy pack humans are. Despicable. Disgusting.
Misanthrope. That's me. An utterly thoughtless selfish misanthrope.
I Am But What I Despise.

5th day

To live without being seen is different.

I am tired I have to admit but I get enough money to keep me fed and the blankets keep me warm. What more do I want but warmth, a content stomach and the freedom to write? Living like a mindless dogmatic.