Now you know...

#Letter 2

                                               A letter to my crush

Dear crush,

I never thought it would be you. Ever. Never in a million years. When I first met you, the idea of loving you was so absurd that it never occurred to me. And you never knew. You still don't know half of the things I think and feel when I'm with you. You don't know what I love about you...or loved about you. I loved you, but you hindered my growth, you kept me from moving on, half the time you were the reason I cried...and the worst thing was, that it wasn't even your fault, because you never knew. You were my kryptonite, you still are to some level...but I am healing, moving on, moving...away. And I know it will never be the same again, but it's okay, I'm not scared anymore. I can finally tell you and it feels...free. This is going to be longer than my other letters, because I kept so much inside that I have to let it all out. I apologise for that, but maybe you'll understand now. I hope you do.

It was all a matter of distance really. In the beginning when I finally got to know you...really know you, we spent so much time together that you soon became one of my favourite people in the world. I spent almost all of my evenings with you, I would have long talks with you, discuss about things that I'd never told anyone, because I knew you'd never tell, I trusted you...maybe too much so.

As winter approached, and the days got longer and the nights grew shorter, you became one of my best friends, and I began noticing the little things about you. I caught myself secretly looking at you and smiling, I noticed the way you smiled, I noticed the way your eyes lit up when you played...and I noticed your eyes, your beautiful eyes. They were the most irresistible pair of eyes I had ever seen. Honey brown, like the purest, unadulterated honey swaddled in warm, brown coffee.

I fell in the love with your eyes, then your hair and then slowly...all of you. Your eyes were the kind that could consume someone. ..and they did.

By the time summer rolled by and brought with it clear skies and butterflies, I was completely and utterly in love with you.

You were the best part of my day, the light, and the laughter. You were my most eager moment, you made me laugh till tears rolled down my cheeks and I was clutching my stomach in pain. You helped me, you helped me smile...you made me happy, which is rare. It's not every day you find someone who makes you happy. Which is why it's even rarer when it lasts forever.

Something almost always goes wrong. And it did. I made a mistake, but you made one too. I wanted to apologise, I wanted to make things right...but I was too afraid then, too afraid to face you. And the distance between us grew. It blessed you with indifference and you grew to forget, while I was cursed with remorse and remembrance, I could never forget nor forgive...me.

Months later, when we finally began talking again, I remember trying to feel happy, I remember promising myself that it would all go back to the way it was before. But people change, and you did too. I ignored it at first, thinking of all the happy times we had spent together, but I had fallen in love with the boy who made me laugh until tears rolled down my cheeks and I was clutching my stomach in pain, and who made me smile. I had fallen in love with the boy who made my eyes shine with his words. I had fallen in love with the boy who made me happy, and that wasn't you anymore.

My love began to fade, and I began to see more clearly, I saw that I missed the part of you that was gone and would never come back, just like our time together that had gone and would never come. You had changed, for worse or for better, and I had to too.

It was hard at first, and it hurt like hell, but I owed it to myself to move on. I owed it to myself to be better and to be bigger than just the person who was in love with you. I owed it to myself to accept that holding on was painful and uncertain and it was time to let go...of you.

I am not bitter, and I'm not mad at you. I am not trying to forget our memories, because they honestly are some of the best ones of my life. I don't hate you, I don't think that you are a bad human being and I don't blame you for my pain, in fact I thank you for the cherished memories that you have imparted to me...you are one of my best memories and I am not going to delete you, you'll still be there. But I think I understand now, and I believe we aren't meant to be together in such a way, but I don't want to lose you as a friend, so I'm telling you everything. Trying to explain why I distanced myself away, and why I did the things I did.

So, here it is, the things I never told you (but now I did) but wished you knew all the same (and now you do).

Now, you know...

Love, Ida