Now you know...

#Letter 4

  A letter to your sibling or closest relative

Dear Sam,

You are a delightful person. You smile and laugh and crack silly jokes and you are so unafraid of people, of things in your path, and of the changes that come and go. You are beautiful, Sam, kind and funny and kind-of silly, but that's not a flaw, it's an endearing quality. And you've never heard it from me before, or anyone for that matter, but you are, believe me... and I am so proud of you.

We don't really talk much, and I suppose that is my fault, because I always thought siblings weren't meant to have close relationships, that the entirety of our relationship was meant to contain friendly fight and complains and occasional hugs, but...that's so wrong.

Because a sibling is the closest family you will have, someone you love, someone you look up to, or teach, a sibling is yours to mould as much as they are your parents', a sibling is someone you can trust.

And you are my younger sister; I was supposed to do that. You were mine to love, to console, to protect against all the things that made you afraid. I shouldn't have told to go away when you asked me to play, or eaten your spare chocolates or told on you.

I'm sorry.

I guess I never really took you for a person, a growing, changing person, because you were my little sister...right? My annoying little sister who stumbled over big words and made up bad songs. My little sister who would never understand the complexity of things and have problems in her life, because...well, you weren't supposed to grow up.

And I didn't understand how much you actually had until it was too late, because as I grew and lost myself in my own problems, I dismissed the fact that you would go through the same things someday. That, you too would lose friends and break your heart and get hurt and learn that life isn't always fair.

I should have been there, someone for you to hold, a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, I should have that someone that you trusted enough to tell all your fears to and ask for advice from...

I was supposed to be your safe place.

I read your diary a few days ago, and it shook me to the core, because of all the things you had written in there, the words "I can't tell my sister anything" haunted me the most. You had written about all the times when you had felt sad, and confused, and times when you had hated our parents, and right there at 3 am, I whispered to the pages, "It's okay, that's okay, I went through the same things" and all the other things that I would never tell you in real life.

I didn't realise that you had already grown up and gone through a lot of life, without me by your side.

Growing up, the worst complaint I ever had was the fact that I had no one to talk to, no one that would understand what I was going through, no one to help me through life. No one to run to when after my parents scolded me, no one to hold my hand...but maybe you could have been, had I talked to you, had I told you about all the things that ran through my mind in the dark, we could have a built a whole inside of ourselves, a safe place that even our parents couldn't touch. But you were just my little sister...you weren't supposed to see the sadness inside of me, you weren't capable of understanding that darkness, and you were never supposed to see it. And that was fine by me, but...I just locked you out by pretending to protect you.

My parents closed the door on me and I did the same to you, and that was never, ever, ever something that I wanted.

But it wasn't all that bad, was it Sam? I mean, we had fun times, times when we went skiing and swimming and tried to build a snowman in the backyard, but we were too small and it ended up looking like a giant runny marshmallow...Oh, I was so disappointed, Sam, but then you started laughing as if it was the funniest thing in the world and I smiled because you were...just so happy. And even though our snowman wasn't going to be winning any awards, it would be fine as long as you laughed like that.

Do you remember our little dance routines, Sam? You would practically beg me to dance with you and I would pretend to consider it, but hey, I was always going to agree, because the tiny shrieks of delight I got out of you when I swung you from side to side and spun you so very fast was enough to make my day.

I loved your little smile, Sam, with all your shiny crooked teeth in a row and the tiny dents in your cheeks that weren't deep enough to be dimples; you were the cutest thing in the entire world and I loved you so much.

I wish I was there to tell that your teeth didn't need fixing and your smile was beautiful, and that your grades were fine and that some friends just aren't worth it, but I was lost too, Sam.

I understand that those years aren't coming back, not to me, not to you. And I can't change things, but I can try from now on, it'll just take some time for me to get used to the fact that you aren't five anymore.

But you turned out to be wonderful, Sam. You're happy and you smile all the time...you don't have that sadness inside of you, Sam, unlike me. You never really came that close to it, and I'm glad. You turned out to be nothing like me, and you can't be, okay? You have to smile and crack your silly jokes and be unafraid and be you, because I am so proud of that person. I'm so proud of who you are, Sam, and I'll make sure you remain that way.

We still have years to go before we leave, Sam, and I'll try harder, I'll give you better stories to tell and I'll make better memories with you.

I promise you, from now on, we grow up together.

From now on, you'll always know...

Love, Ida