Mr. Smith

P a r t 8

I set my drink down. I looked at the clock. 2 in the morning. Justin's words hit me hard, after I'd gotten home. I realized that we were never going to have a chance. And of course, Justin always comes to me. He needs to learn to control his own emotions. I was alone at a point in my life. I wasn't as alone as Justin is. Atleast my parents accepted me. Atleast I was old enough to move out.

As I was about to go to bed someone knocked on my door. At 2 in the morning? I opened the door. He pushed me back through the door. It was Justin. His face glowed. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my lips. I noticed he was out of breath. He had ran from his house to mine. But why? I pushed him back, "What are you doing Justin?" He messily kissed my lips. My hands on his butt. He wrapped his legs around me, and I lifted him up. "I want to have sex with you. Before I run away." He breathed through our makeout session. I pulled my face away from his. He leaned his head against my shoulder. "T-that's not a good idea." I drunk stuttered. "It's better then moving away," He said, I could feel his jaw moving against my shoulder. "Are you drunk again?" He asked quietly as he was right next to my ear. I closed my eyes, "Yes," I never wanted to let go of him. "I don't want to let go of yo-" before I finished 'you' he cut me off. "What's it like? Being desperate."

"Justin, I'm not desperate. I'm depressed." I corrected him. "Depressed? You're not depressed." I was angered. He obviously doesn't understand. I bet he's never been drunk before. "Just because I've found someone who I can be in a relationship with, doesn't mean that I'm not depressed. I've been depressed my whole life it seems." It was a magical moment. His head on my shoulder. My eyes closed. I spilt my heart out. Right then and there. He listened. "Sam, I had no idea. You always seemed so... happy whenever I saw you." One single, heartbroken tear dropped from my eye. It trickled off my face. "Justin, I don't ever want to let go. If I let go it only gets worse." I sobbed. My voice loud, it rang through the whole house. "I don't want to let go either, but I have to."

"No. You don't have to. You can't!" I cried, in fear of losing my beloved. He took a second, just to listen to me cry. To hear my whimpers. To see how heartbroken, and tore down I was. "But it's the right choice," He said. My hands had gone weak, and I let go of his butt. His feet landed on the floor. This was it. "I love you. So much. This isn't the way I planned for things to go, but this is the way they are going. It's not your choice. It's mine." He said letting go. "Justin, I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you." I repeated myself. He walked through the door. His eyes beating at me. Slowly, he closed the door. I heard the click, and he was gone. My mind felt numb. I didn't realize how much I could love someone. He's gone anyways.

-

When I woke up I was on the floor by the door. It was still dark out. I looked at the time. It was 6 am. I figured I should get up and get ready for work. It wasn't that hard to get up, other than the part where I was heartbroken, and wanted to die. I lifted myself up off the hardwood floor. My head ached, just along with every other part of my body. I walked into the kitchen and dug through a cupboard. I found anti-depressants that I hadn't ever used - or opened. I put the tablets in my mouth, and washed them down with some water. Then, walked upstairs. I wasn't hungry. I changed into a pair of black sweatpants, and a black sweatshirt. I put on some black socks, and then ran some water through my hair with my hands.

I put on some tennis shoes, and grabbed my laptop. I wasn't going to have any coffee today, so I grabbed my car keys, and drove to work.

-

When the first bell rang, I sat in my teachers chair. I stared at the ceiling. Kids walked into the room. "Mr. Smith, are you okay?" Asked a girl who didn't talk much. I looked to her. I stood up, "Yeah, I'll be fine ." Her eyes looked at me worrily. She set her stuff down and walk-ran out of the room. I sat back and and put my elbow on my knee, and my face in my hands. I couldn't cry. If I cried I'd look weak. Not at work. The girl returned with a teacher. "Mr. Smith?" I looked up. I couldn't take it. "I can't." I sobbed as tears leaked out of my eyes. She walked toward me, and the girl watched. "I don't want to do this." She stared at me, "You don't want to do what?" She asked quietly. "I don't want to live." The student looked dazed, and she stared. She stared at me if I were some suicidal white girl with pathetic problems. "Calm down. Take deep breathes in." She said turning her head back to the students coming into the room. She shoed them away, and the girl began to walk with them. It was just us. "Please, just kill me!" I sobbed, my voice loud. I was overreacting, and I knew it. It echoed through the room. I looked at the rooms door, Justin was staring at me from a distance. As soon as he saw me looking he turned away. He had no emotion on his face. I closed my eyes and clutched my knees to my chest in the chair, "I said kill me!" Her face was red. The principal walked into the room with someone who appeared to be paramedics. The teacher walked away from me, and the paramedic took her place. "Samuel, I want you to tell me why you want her to kill you."