I Never Thought

Meet the girl

Alam mo yung pakiramdam na parang lagi nalang may kulang sayo?

Yung parang ginagawa mo naman lahat pero sa huli iiwan at iiwan ka din naman pala.

MAHIRAP.

Mahirap kasi alam mo naman sa sarili mo na binigay mo naman lahat ng kaya mong mabigay. Ginawa mo naman yung alam mong part mo pero hindi pa din pala sapat.

Etong eto yung nararamdaman ko. Badtrip kasi yung Ex ko na si Andrei, yung ex ko na ginawa ko naman lahat ng alam kong makakapagpatibay sa relasyon namin pero pinaglaruan lang pala ako. 

It's been a year pero mahirap pa din talagang mag-move on kung minahal mo talaga yung tao. Tuwing naaalala mo yung mga panahon na magkasama kayo parang lagi ka nalang sinasaksak, parang paulit-ulit ka nalang namamatay. 

"Pwede ba Xandra, di nga ako pupunta sa party nyo or kahit saan nyo ko balak dalhin. Drop it and just go, will you?"

"So anong gagawin mo dito? Magmumukmok at magre-reminisce ng mga memories nyo before ni --"

"Stop. How many times I will tell you to stop mentioning his name?"

"It's been a year, Kay"

"It's Krisha Danielle, KD or Danielle or whatever you want but not Kay. Matagal nang wala si Kay" I loathe it. That name. Tuwing naririnig ko yan, lagi ko nalang naaalala yung mga memories na dapat kalimutan, pero pag mag-isa ako inaalala ko. Mga memories na naging dahilan kung bakit ganito ako.

"Krisha Danielle, KD o kung anong gusto mong itawag namin sayo, all I'm saying is move on. Its been a year with no calls, texts, e-mails, chats, and whatever na pwedeng means of communication. Kinalimutan ka na nya, matagal na, simula nung nalaman mong niloko ka nya, now do a favour for yourself at kalimutan mo na din sya."

Yeah, right. You don't know how much I hate myself dahil hindi ko kayang mag-let go. Kahit ilang beses nyo ko isama sa blind dates, sarili ko lang din naman lolokohin ko, so why bother? How can I forget that guy? That guy who gives me happiness but in just a snap constantly bring me down?

"This is going nowhere, Xandra. Now go to your party and I better get going too, mag p-prepare na ko baka ma-late pa ko sa class ko."

1 year. 365 days since my life left me. Hindi manlang sya nag-explain nung nahuli ko sya. How can I move on kung puro tanong ang nasa utak ko? Kung ano ba naging kulang sakin para ipagpalit nya ko o baka naman sa una palang ba ginamit nya na ko. Sana kasi hindi ko nalang sya cinonfront that time. Masochist it is, pero mahal ko eh. Regret is such a cruel thing.

Pero tama sila. Even though you love that person pero alam mong wala nang patutunguhan yung pagmamahal mo, itigil mo na. I should do myself a favour nga daw, it's for me to move on and go get a life.

So this day, naisipan kong wag pumasok sa class for me to have this day. Stress-free sa class and lessons from our boring professors. And this day went well. I got my hair done and I bought some new dress and make-ups for me and I must say I like myself better.

To: Xandra, Ellie, Leah

Republiq. Meet you guys at the spot 7pm.

Nung kami pa ni *coughs* Andrei, we always go to Republiq with the clique and after namin mag-break, never na ako sumama everytime na pumupunta sila ng bar. Ngayon lang ulit. Now that I come to think na kailangan ko din to para sa sarili ko. Sabi nga nila, there's so many other fishes in the sea. Hindi ako nagmamadali na makahanap ng bago dahil wala na akong tiwala sa mga lalake.

Boys will be boys. Nature nila manlandi, mag-paasa, at manakit ng babae. Ikinatutuwa nila yun dahil ang tanging hanap lang naman nila sa babae ay pleasure. Pag nakuha na nila yung gusto nila sayo, iiwan ka na nila. Mahirap na magtiwala. 

Pumunta na ako sa Republiq where I'm going to meet the clique after 1 year. Di bale, di naman na din sya sumasama sa mga parties and hangouts na kagaya nito so hindi naman siguro ako mahihirapan. Xandra, Ellie, and Leah are my closest friends. They're like sisters to me. I'm pretty aware about the reputation they has. Btches. Most people call them that, well ako, I was before and I don't think of being back to that pero matututo na akong lumaban para hindi ako maapi. But little do they know that behind those "btches" are the guys who broke their heart and made them to be that way.

Sabi ng mom ko, kung ano ang kaibigan ko, ganun din daw ako. I do solely believe in that. Like my girls, someone made me feel like a btch too. We share the same past kaya nagkakaintindihan kami sa pakiramdam, alam namin yung pakiramdam na mawalan, iwanan, lokohin, at masaktan. Pinakilala nila ako sa masayang buhay ko before at alam kong mas sasaya pa ngayon na natututunan ko nang mag-move on. Kahit anong hangout at klase ng pagpa-party ang gawin nila, rather namin, hindi namin napapabayaan ang paga-aral at ang ranking namin sa class. 

Funny nga dahil galit ako sa babaeng naging dahilan ng paghihirap ko pero hindi ko magawa mag-revenge. Kahit anong galit ko, hindi ko pa din kakayanin na bumalik ako sa dating ako na gagawin ang lahat just to return the favour a btch did for me. Isa lang ang alam ko, I'm not as heartless as I was before, but I'm still one.

"KD! Nice seeing you here, I thought hindi ka pupunta?" Hay, Xandra.

"That's what I thought too"

"Well damn girl, what happened you just ditched your class today ha? Bumabalik ka na ba sa dating ikaw? And shit, look at you! This is the KD that I know," sabi ni Ellie while looking at me from head to toe with matching taas kilay. I just gave her smirk for her to shut up and move on for another topic.

"So buti nalang nandito ka kasi for sure you miss Margarita, si Scrotch, si Rhum, si Tequilla, at yung mga hot guys, and did you know that I have another target?" Leah. Kung si Xandra and Ellie ay Btch, this one is a whore. Galing kasi syang America kaya liberated. Minsan nga nagk-kwento sya about sa mga escapades nya, and those filthy words na lumalabas sa bunganga nya? Oh please, hindi nyo nagugustuhin malaman what are those.

"Nah. Alam mo naman matagal din akong di nakakapunta dito. Who's the lucky guy ba?"

"That hot DJ. He's half Filipino-half British. He's totally my target. I've been messing with him since last week pero di nya ko pinapansin. Look at me! Siguro may mali sa mata nya kaya hindi nya napapansin tong ganda ko. Hahaha!" Hindi pa din talaga sya nagbabago pagdating sa mga lalake. She's just going to play with them, yun yung libangan nya. Like what I've said, she's returning the favour na ginawa sakanya ng ex nya, ang iba nga lang is that she's returning it to all of the boys she like to mess with.

So we share some laughs that I've been craving for since long time ako. We chitchat with the clique and we heard the bass. We looked at each other and start standing going to the circle.

Oh boy, the party is so on!