Undone [Completed]

Undone: [Seven]

 Seven

Nick

Misery does love company. It explains why I took pleasure in listening to the words, ‘…now all our memories, they’re haunted, we were always meant to say goodbye…’ over and over again. In fact, that’s all I had done upon getting home that day.

It never would have worked out right.

That was true, too. Everything was a mess, and I was responsible for a major part of it. I’d been quick to condemn Max when the notion that he could be responsible for my life being a living hell had established itself, and I wasn’t willing to let go of the past, either. Things could work out if I decided that I wouldn’t have a problem with Jake, I supposed, but my decision would mean nothing. I couldn’t really control the unwanted panic I felt whenever I saw him, could I? I couldn’t block out the pain that came along with the memories, either.

Phshh.

Yeah, right.

Bullshit.

I knew it too, well enough, but I was the kind of pathetic loser you read about in books. The kind who lies to himself because he’s too weak to face the truth. Or too weak to acknowledge it fully, anyhow.

I knew what the truth was, it was right there, but I didn’t dare acknowledge it.

I was afraid.

I was afraid of living a life without any grudges – after having held on to them for so long, I didn’t know what life would be like without them. I was afraid of letting go of the things that had shaped me, too, because what had happened in the past was what had made me turn into the person I was – where would I have been without them?

Disgusting.

The sentiment’s origin was one I could trace. There wasn’t any other word to describe what I was, really – disgusting. First I decided I couldn’t trust my best friend. Then, irrationally, I blamed him for everything else. After which I became an angry freak who held a grudge for years. And then, when my best friend, ex best friend, needed someone, I stuck around, only to leave because I didn’t want to let go of the grudge I had against his friends; the ones who meant a huge part of the world to him. And so I made him feel guilty for what wasn’t his fault, really.

Disgusting.

I was being selfish, and I knew it…but was I going to do anything about it?

*

That night, my answer would have been ‘no’.

The following morning, something was different. Something had changed during the course of the night.

I mean, it had to, for me to be staring up at the Grey residence door that afternoon. I’d decided I’d go talk to Max. Maybe I wasn’t doing it because I didn’t want to be a disgusting coward, but because sometime during the course of the night, a strange nervousness had formed within me.

It had taken me from pure frustration to…I don’t know, panic? Anxiety? I wasn’t sure what it was, exactly, and I’m not sure if it was the reason I ended up visiting Max, but it doesn’t matter, I suppose. What did was that I was there.

And I was going to talk to him.

*

Almost ten minutes later, I was worried.

*

I knew for a fact that Max was going to be at home, and that it was late enough in the afternoon for him to be awake, so there was no reason why he wouldn’t answer the door.