You Are My Earth

/4/

I was eating food with Nick in the morning, and I looked at him with sad eyes. Last night it just hit me as I laid my head down to sleep no one around at all, and I just heard in my head The Retreat the repeat of everything that you have ever said in a song and whispered to me at once maybe it's something, but I'll just push it off, that's what my mom would say. But I don't really know. So we just went back to bed. It was 4 in the morning and I open my door and looked out the room to see nothing. The hallways seem as if they were closing in on me, forcing me out, making me think about you and how you're finally gone. I just can't believe it had to be this way, and with you gone. I saw your face, I saw your light, and God damn you thought that might the hardest you could ever fight it, and I saw you struggle for life and I saw you breathe your last breath, and I don't know how I can deal with this anymore.

It just seems that just the other day we had first move to California, and everyday you would say you thought a lot about me today, and that you miss me, and that you will always miss me because you love me.

"Brinsley!" Nick exclaimed I looked up again at him and realize the tears are streaming down my face faster than they were last night when I was with Jordan. "So they were right," Nick had said softly.

"Jordan told me they saw you cry and break down, and I thought about it for a while because it's not like you to let emotions get the best of things, especially when you're around people."

~

I was with Jordan, and I don't know how to talk to him about this. I want to talk to him, but how do I talk to him about something so serious like this? Do I just say it, do I just say it to him? I stopped and looked at him tears filling my eyes. I was going to say it. I'm going to talk.

I took in a breath,.

"When I was seven years old, my mother taught me trick to put out a flame with the pinch, the trick she had once told me is to do it so quickly, there's no time to flinch. See, fire is a strange thing. It takes time to destroy. Every scorch is a failure. Not quick enough. Not clever enough. Not smart enough to enjoy. Don't let yourself burn down, or you'll find yourself lying in a bed that you have not earned yet.

"I was 18 and I was looking for a home to replace the one you had once given me given me and my mom had once given me. His arms, a place that I could return to when I felt alone someplace that I wouldn't feel for him, but it felt like a place to run from. A few months later I learned that I was his legacy. That when he told my best friend that he wanted to leave something good in this world, he meant me.

"It had been 938 days since and I'm trying to forgive him but he still paying penance. I am now 20 and trying to forget what I used to be. He reminds me too much of the bad days, of the red eyes and worn down hotel hallways, refusing to let myself be set on fire. Every second scorches him as a symbol of failure but my mother words kept hitting me in the back of the head until I had felt like I had just been concussed. As guards at every place I let him touch me. When I held his hand I held his hand when he cried. but that only lasted for so long, until I realize that he was only using me to get what he wanted from the world that he had been born into. He was born into the world of death and destruction and everything that could never be, the way that he wanted it to be, He had molded and manipulated it to be how it was designed in his forehead. And I was just another trip, I was just another play, I was just another tactic for him to get out everything that he ever wanted in life. He used my mother dying as an excuse to get close to me, and then he used his own rational feelings for me, and his own hatred towards me, to justify hitting me and making me be quiet at every single place we had ever gone together. He still Burns me to this day, and I should have listened to her."

He looked at me with sad eyes, and I just brushed it off. "Life doesn't really matter to me anymore."