You Are My Earth

/5/

I was walking alone through the woods, thinking about all the things that I've ever gone wrong in my life. Maybe I meant for death and destruction, and maybe I am meant to suffer so others don't have to. Maybe I am meant for this life of being alone and the only person I've ever really trusted gone. Maybe I deserved not living my entire life in California, not spending my entire life with those that I had grown incredibly close to.

Maybe it was my fault that my mom died, maybe it was my fault that she had work too hard and all of the years that I have lived, and it was her fault that she had broken her back in the first place. Broken her back is a hard to say claim actually, she didn't break her back, she damaged it to the point where she was always in pain. She couldn't even stand on her feet for more than an hour at a time, or she would be an intense pain. She didn't even know when you   could be able to go shopping with me. I still feel bad about snapping at her that one time, or when she saw me trying to kill myself in the bathroom.

She didn't deserve that. She deserved so much better when she was alive, but I can't give her that now. She didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve the pain she had to endure every single day of the rest of her life after the accident. I shouldn't have told her that she was the reason I tried to kill myself in the first place, that one argument we had over the summer. I shouldn't have told her that she was the reason why was failing almost every single class, and they're taking care of her it was too much for me to handle, and that she was just too much for me to deal with anymore. I regret running away for that one summer, and acting like a douche bag when I came back.

I regret choosing dad that one summer, when they were going to get divorced. I regret everything I've ever done to my mom that was wrong, because now she is gone and there is no way that I can ever repay her for everything that she has ever done for me. She was too good for this world, and she deserved a better daughter than I could have ever been. She deserves someone that did everything for her, and that changed every single moment of her existence. Because God knows I didn't until she was finally gone.

I shouldn't have let her go so easily. I know that her leaving was for the best, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt. It hurts so much I can't even describe the pain that it feels when I wake up knowing that she won't be there in the morning with pancakes and orange juice on the table. Even though it hurt her to make those, she would still do that for me in the morning. My mother was the kind of art with so much color, frustration, pyreness and Beauty combined into one human being it was truly amazing. And she was the best piece of art that anyone could ever ask for, or ever buy for that matter.

She was one of a kind, and so unique, and nothing will ever change the fact that she was my only true love in my entire life. No one can ever trump what she has done for me, and what she will mean to me for the rest of my life. She has framed me for the rest of my life, and I am only 20 years old. I haven't even lived a quarter of my life yet and she is already framed my entire life. I have to thank her when she loved me when I wasn't myself and I felt like I was at my worst, because it's hard to realize that everything is different when you tell someone about it. It's hard to think about stuff like that, it's hard to think it all. Sometimes I feel shame to complain about being hurt because I remembered how I fucked so many people over and how I fucked her over so many times.

It's hard.

And I shouldn't be stressing what I can't change but it just hurts that I can't change it. Still wonder what goes through her head when she heard my last words to her, when I told her that I hated her and everything she never stood for in this entire world. She was a beauty. And I only gave her what she didn't deserve. Hopefully everything will fall into place, we all have something that we're not capable of, and for me that's dealing with my mother.