crossroads ✿ jily

Chapter Seven - Turning Pages

Lily didn't sleep much that night, which wasn't a foreign situation to her but it seemed more damaging this time all the same. She wasn't even trying to sleep...she merely lay there, staring out the window at the small slice of the night sky of which she was afforded a glimpse from her position in bed. The moon was bright as it illuminated the dorm, and she wished that she could go out walking underneath it. People used to think that staring at the moon brought insanity...but to Lily, the soft orb was and always had been a calming influence. She buried her face further into her pillow as she remembered how she used to lie in her bed at home, staring at it through the dark branches of the magnolia tree outside her window.

She closed her eyes briefly as she thought once again about Petunia. The more time passed since the day she'd found out about their parents, the sharper and more painful her need for her sister became. She needed to speak with her...Lily knew that she would listen. She had to...they had no one else but each other now. Petunia had never understood about the wizarding world...but who could blame her? How can someone understand something they're not allowed to be a part of...something they're not really even allowed to see with their own eyes?

She had never even seen Hogwarts.

Turning onto her back, Lily grappled with the urge to simply run away. What was magical ability worth if she was going to be alone in the world? Images flashed through her mind...of class, of the Great Hall...a pang of homesickness hit her at the idea of not having any of it anymore.

But she wouldn't have it after this year was over, anyway, she thought grimly. Where was she to go after that?

More thoughts drifted in and out of her head...of the castle grounds, and of all the professors. Of Arabella. James...

Her eyes closed again as she thought of him, and the urge to escape coarsed through her with renewed force. She didn't know what she was going to say to him...but she had to say something. She could see now how horribly she'd been treating him...and she'd never been one to hold grudges. She'd acted unfairly and had refused all of his attempts at reconciliation...and it made her want to be sick when she thought of it. When she thought of how he'd acted in that bathroom...how his only intent had been to help her somehow.

Turning over, she resolved that running wasn't an option this time. She would have to speak with him as soon as she could...the very next time she saw him.

She bit her lip as she looked around the Great Hall, trying to spot either him or any of his friends. She didn't know exactly what she would say to him if she did see him...or even if she'd say anything at all. Last night had been the second time James Potter had seen her at her lowest point, and she didn't quite know how to approach him anymore. Not that she ever had, but...somehow, this was different.

The first time, she'd been convinced that the only way to handle it was to act as though nothing had happened. Not only had this tactic failed miserably, but for some reason, she didn't feel as though that was what she wanted this time. She felt less...embarrassed. Less vulnerable. He didn't know how it was possible that another incident would minimize her fear of appearing weak, especially to him, but...it had. Perhaps it was the way he'd spoken to her in that bathroom...or the way he handled it. It was as though he'd known exactly what she needed in that moment, and he'd done everything he could to give it to her...even if it wasn't his help she needed.

She thought about it all day, every time she looked at him in class. He, for his part, seemed to be avoiding looking in her direction. Obviously, he was taking his cue from what she'd said she wanted last time, after that night in the common room...he was leaving her completely alone.

Lily didn't know what she wanted from him...but she knew that it wasn't this. This couldn't go on.

After dinner, they had a meeting in McGonagall's office. It seemed horribly awkward, although Lily doubted the professor noticed anything out of the ordinary. Perhaps it was just her own mind playing tricks on her...but something about his demeanor, his tone of voice...she scarcely believed it, but it was clear that he was somehow...hurt. Then again, as the past few weeks were clearly demonstrating, perhaps she hadn't known him as well as she'd thought at the beginning of the year. So much had changed since then.