The Moments We Have Shared - Amilly

Real

Every time I look at her, my heart beats really fast. She loved me. Maybe she still does. But, I'm not going to force her. Our relationship was the best three years of my life. I understood her. I always will. She wasn't ready. Rather, she didn't want to be ready. She was everything I wanted, needed, craved. I saw her worries and fears. I saw right through every lie she told me when she said she was okay. Did I say anything? No. She wanted independence and that is exactly what I gave her.

She made me feel so much in such little time. The day I first looked into her eyes, I couldn't look away. I saw someone totally different from me and I was captivated. I saw a story, her story, in her eyes. 

I wanted her from that day onwards to be with me. She told me about her depression, and slowly after that she opened up to me. I wanted to be there for her. By her side. Whenever she needed it. And so I did as my heart told me. 

When we first touched our lips together, I felt as if something  finally felt right. It wasn't like art, where sometimes you feel like a certain colour is missing. Everything was there, and everything was perfect. I remember everything. We were in Toronto, outside in her cottage. The summer night was calm and beautiful. The sky was clear and the moon was full with every star in sight. We were sitting and talking on the long chair, as she leaned her head on my shoulder. She told me she felt something new, she didn't say what though. My heart started to beat really fast. She laid the palm of her hand on my chest and I was just starting out into space thinking of how close she was to me. She then took her hand of my chest and brought my face towards her. "I just..." she said right before our lips touched. I know what she "just". I know that new feeling...I just know her. And I love her. 

Why am I doing this to myself...she doesn't want me. She wants to make her dreams come true and I'm not a part of that. I have to accept that. I just finished watching her video, even after I said I won't be online this week. But for her, I would do anything. She is my everything. 

People started guessing that ex was me. They didn't believe we were much different, but our differences weren't personality wise. It we life wise. Where we lived, how we felt. Why did she remember that it was 1 year and 2 months? I thought she didn't care about relationships anymore. 

•••

I suddenly felt so empty. I missed her. Everything about her...is what I missed. Her hair, her laugh, her lips. When she told me this wasn't going to work, because she was a "bad girlfriend", it felt like my heart was been ripped from my chest. All those three years were ended by tears. Did I understand her?  Of course. I didn't want to hold her back. But every part of me wanted to not let her go. As the famous quote goes "if you love someone let them go, and if they love you, they will find a way back." 

I need to stop thinking about her, I need to move on. I want to settle down, have kids, live. All of those things Lilly can't give me, but she's my only exception. I could stand dating until we are 70, but my love for her would still be as strong as it was at 26. 

I heard a sudden ding from my phone. 

iMessage - Lilly Singh 💛

I'm sorry I basically called you out in my last video. Their edits of us kill me inside, I don't want to see more if I'm not with you. I still love you....I'm still in love with you Amandeep, if I can be real. 

~

author didn't reread this, but hope you like it.