Little Lies Big Secrets. (Novella)

Chapter 7||Restart

"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark."~George Iles
***

He said okay and we started again. Jazmin was thoroughly excited. She couldn't stand the silence between us anymore. I couldn't have agreed with her more.

I'm still a little sad and a little different. I didn't have the person I care about the most for two weeks. I need time to recuperate. So Jay and I agreed to take things slowly. Things aren't going to be completely back to normal. But I've got him back, that was the most important step.

It's going to be hard, seeing as Cameron is the reason Jay was angry. I'm not going to get rid of him though. I would have spent less time with him, but Jay told me not to, said he would try to keep his feelings in check.

I like having Cameron in my life. He understands different parts of me. He makes me laugh, and smile. But nowhere near as much as Jay does. I still remember the way he looked at me that night of the party. I want him to look at me like that every day. He looked like he just wanted me like I wanted him. I never thought I would see that look on him.

It's been another week since mine and Jay's moment at the park. Time feels like it's moving to quickly, I liked it better before. Before I met Cameron, before Jay got mad at me before I lied to Jazmin.

I feel like every time I speak, lies are the only thing leaving my mouth. I've gotten really good at it now. I used to only lie to mom. But now, now I lie to everyone. If I forgot to do my homework, lie. There's more but my brain can't handle it all. Somehow lying helps my anxiety, but also makes it worse. I don't understand it.
I can socialize in small groups but not in large. I think any bigger than four is too much. Which is annoying but also not. I don't have more than three friends.

We're supposed to do movie night. But I'm not sure if Jazmin is going to be there. She's been spending a lot of time with Nyle lately. I don't mind. Okay, maybe I mind. But I'm not going to say anything to her. Makes me feel mean.

I walk around to the front of their house and knock. I feel weird knocking, I don't even know why I am. Things are just a little weird still, I guess.
    I wait for someone to open the door. I feel the urge to run as well as the urge to cower. I'm not sure which is better. I could probably do both.

The door swings open and I'm greeted by Jay. I swallow a lump in my throat and offer a small smile. I want things to be okay with us. I don't even fully understand what went wrong. I get he doesn't like Cameron, but why does that make him mad at me.

"You don't have to knock," Jay says pulling me back from my thoughts.

"I wasn't sure," I say. It's not a lie either. Which is an improvement. Jay chuckles and waves me inside. I make my way toward the living room and place myself on the couch.

I've always loved their couch. It's a nice grey colour and is long and very comfortable. I always sink into it.

Jay walks in after me and stares. He's been doing that a lot lately, staring. I haven't called him out on it though. I'm not going to start now.

Jazmin comes barreling down the stairs, wearing a skirt and a loose tank. She looks pretty, but she always does.

"Where are you going." I hear myself ask. I feel very disconnected to my mouth. It speaks when I'd rather it didn't.