Little Lies Big Secrets. (Novella)

Chapter 10||Normal?

"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then." ~Lewis Carroll
***

    Things are back to normal. Well as normal as they can be. They aren't like before. But they're good. Dad and I converse more and grunt less. I tell Jazzy more things, like how I'm feeling or what bothers me. We even talk about my crush on Jay. It can be weird but we make it fun. Cameron and I are still good friends but I told him I need some time to make things right with those who have been there for me. He obviously made a joke but was totally okay with it.

    And then there's Jay. I don't know where things are with him and I. I had to fix things with Jazzy first. And dad and I have been slowly improving, but we aren't going to be able to fix it in a few days. It's going to be a long wait and a lot of work. Jay still makes jokes and smiles, just not as much. I want to think of something to make it better. I'm just not sure what to do.

    I woke up later than I normally do this Saturday. I guess repairing relationships takes a lot out of a person. I end up shuffling myself to the kitchen to get some food.

    "You look like a zombie." Dad's deep voice comes from behind and I almost jump out of my skin. I must be blind, he was not there a second ago.
    "I feel like one," Dad says nothing else as I prepare my breakfast and take a seat at the bar. Then while I'm stuffing my face with cereal I notice him looking at me. I swallow slowly and feel milk dribble down my chin.

    "What?"

    "I've just been thinking about that dinner we had last week" he pauses to fold his paper and remove his glasses. "How come you didn't tell your friends the real reason for dinner?"

    I was waiting for this question that night when we came home. It hadn't come, so I thought he forgot about it. Apparently not.

    "They don't know."

    "They know about the anxiety and the writing," dad says, still looking quizzical.

    "They know I have anxiety and they know I write they just don't know why. I've never told them." I slide out of my seat quietly and grab a bottle of water.

    "They've been your friends for seven years, don't you think they should?" Dad looks at me the way I remember him looking at me. I can just picture Penny beside him, mimicking his posture and voice. A small smile form on my lips and tears well in my eyes.

    "I don't want anyone else to leave me," I say quietly. I can no longer hold back the tears.

    "Oh, honey. If they are your true friends they will understand why you couldn't tell them. They won't leave you. Mom never left you and I'm here. I know what I did was incredibly stupid and I hurt you but I'm here now. They won't leave baby. Just try."

    I nod my head meekly in dads arms. It's been so long since he's held me like this. His smell is still the same, and he's still soft like a dad should be, just a little greyer.

***

    I'm feeling nervous. I was up all night trying to figure out how to tell Jazzy and Jay about my past. I tried to come up with some form of a plan, instead, I ended up more anxious. Now I'm just going to go over and wing it. Plans aren't my thing anyway. After I took a shower and got dressed I stood in front of the mirror for a while. I look different somehow. Quite a few things have changed in the past month and a bit. I never expected any of it to happen. But then again I never expected Pen to leave either.