dear lost friend,

dear lost friend,

was it even real? I don't remember your love. I only remember the pain that followed. you may never know this, but you were the world to me. I idolized you. you were the older brother I never had. you were my first friend.

I've seen the pictures, heard the stories, hell I've even seen a few videos of how we used to be. how much you loved me. I was only a child. only five year old when you turned on me. maybe that's why I don't remember your love, and only your cruelty.

I needed you but you left me, for a temporary muse that proved to be more trouble then what it was worth. this muse acted as an anchor and in the end it only succeed in drowning you. that was when I began to hate you. not just because you left me, but because I knew I could never get the real you back. the one who I saw captured in these old photographs. the man I see today is just a shadow of who you used to be. you left me, and now I will never get you back.

I hated you and I blamed you for everything. it took so long to finally realize I didn't really hate you I just missed you and masked it in order to not feel weak and venerable.

I remember when I was 8 or 9 my cousin stole her father's cellphone on it was a video of you from the second time you overdosed. I still get chills running down my spine when I think of it. while they laughed at your stupidity not fully comprehending what really was happening in the video I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I think that was when I learned how to cry in silence. since the moment you left I never wanted people to see what I really felt, let alone see me cry. but that was the turning point for me. there on the linoleum floor in my grandmother's bathroom was were I really changed and I began to keep everything bottled up only letting it out when I was alone.

but somehow you managed to crack my steel exterior.

it was the middle of summer a few years later I was maybe 11 or 12. somehow I got the idea that if I began to tell you what I really thought you might change. it hadn't occurred to me that you might've been a lost cause. none the less I dove into the deep end. a few weeks later my hopes were flying high and I felt I could really get the old you back. the one who disappeared all those years ago. I was wrong and it hit me like a ton of bricks. you began to speak nonsense and that was when I realized you were not who you used to be. but only an empty shell of a person. a lost soul. a mere shadow of all I used to admire. If I think hard enough I can still feel the hot tears that made their way down my face. I hadn't felt so exposed in such a long time. I was so angry at you for breaking my suit of armor. I was even more angry at myself for letting my guard down and allowing myself to believe in something so pointless.

all I ever wanted was to get you back. is that so wrong. I might act as if nothing ever hurts me but inside I'm still the little girl you pushed aside when she tried to show you her drawings. I'm still the venerable 9 year old who tried to hide it by being angry. I'm still that 11 year old who left the house so you wouldn't see her tears. but most importantly I'm now a girl transitioning into a woman. and if you were still the old you I know you would be proud of who I have become. through all that has happened in the past I believe that you are the one person who has taught me the most. you taught me how to balance things out.

how to be independent but not a recluse. how to be strong but not cold and unfeeling.

how to be unafraid but not foolish

you taught me that we all pay our dues in time. and although you are still paying for your mistakes I thank you for making me who I am. I honestly do miss you but I know it'll never be back to how it used to be. so in a sense I guess this is goodbye.

all my emotions, all the anger, sadness, frustration, and pain were all due to me not understanding you were no longer whole you. almost as if your soul was sent to heaven but your body kept living empty on earth. and I hope someday we can meet again and it will be the whole you, the big brother I never had who used to care too much about me.

but until I meet the whole you again all I really have to say is thank you. for all the good, bad, and even the ugly. because without it I wouldn't have truly found myself and come to terms with all my anger and fear.

sincerely

J.