Welp, I tried

Insanity and Sleep Deprivation work well Together

Well last night I guess you could say I did something pretty stupid. For us in the fandom world tho, its a common occurance. I stayed up till 6 watching the entirety of Your Lie in April. Oh god I cried my eyes out. Why does classical music have that affect on me? Maybe it wasn't the music but the realization inside myself. I have no idea what to call it but that's alright. Its just the deprivation talking here. Mixed along with my constant, nagging, insanity. You know I was thinking... I've always wanted to be a chef when I grew up and I'm two years away from University. And then another two years till Italy. That's how its always been for me. To forge my own path and do what I know is impossible. Go from a family with no money and live in Europe? How on earth am I supposed to get there? I honestly don't know. Another thing I started pondering was my mind. Its so weird. Like I know for a fact already that I'm insane. I've known that for a while. But you know how some people talk to themselves as another person? Or they, I don't know, how people really think of themselves. I know how my brain looks tho. A random river. My box of insanity. The files surrounding it. Most of the time just the ever present darkness of nothingness...that and my ever changing box. Broken glass, burnt cardboard, bared cage, metal box. Ever changing box to hold my insanity. That's all it is that separates my world and my insanity. To few I'm considered a sane person, to myself there is no future in the world. How else am I supposed to go on when the world is self destructing as is? Why live? I guess the only reason is because others need me. Maybe its my insane counterpart that is pushing me to stay. Trying to remind her that she still is sane. Even if its just a small part that's still sane. After all there isn't much to save when your an overly pushed, stressed out teenager that's just trying to please those above them. We all say that no. What we are doing is our own life. Our own choices. But is it really? Is it really just us? Or is every little thing connected? Every. Single. Moment. In. Every. Single. Day. Effects...everything... If we had waited another .03 seconds to pick up that pencil would the toast burnt this morning? If I hadn't left early for the recital would that homeless man on the side of the highway been alive? If I hadn't kicked that rock would the school still be standing? I don't know how time works. How circumstance and destiny I guess you could say work either. My mind is always running on end. An endless river with an ever thirst for confusion. Is it just the perception theory? How do we prove our existence? There is no evidence that we are living. There is no evidence that we aren't living. We are ever existent and nonexistent in the continues flow of the river. A forever hypothetical river...that only flows in my conscious.