Acting vs reality (A Jamilla Story)

Habit

In these short few moments before I reach James, the fresh air grates along my skin. The irritation of my mind, all the decisions I've ever made haunt me. Everything memory I have with James plays on a loop. I've told him how I feel and yes I mean it but I've let go, all the strings and attachments to him have to be forgotten. The memories, I have to remember. He left me without saying goodbye, he walked back into my life and dragged me through a world wind of emotions that I didn't need. I had to deal with him thinking he was going to be a dad.
I stop about 5ft Away from him, I smile. I hate him and love him too.
And I really do love him, all the bad memories are overruled by the good.
He left because he cared too much.
He came back into my life and made me feel something I was incapable of feeling.
He wasn't the dad..
I gave up on us, not him. Me. I did it.
I can't play with his emotions, I told him to move on and that's that. I'll be with Jordan and eventually I'll move on myself, I just have to pretend for now that I don't care.
I have to act out reality.
I take short strides until I reach the bench.
'Can I join you?'
He slowly raises his head looking away once he knows it's me.
'If you must..'
I gently sit beside him, his cold exterior blocking me out.
'It's just were shooting in a few minutes..'
'I'll be in, in a minute.' His reply is so frosty, how are we going to work together if he can't even look at me.
'James I-'
'I don't understand.. You said you love me but you're staying with Jordan?'
He's right, I am playing with his emotions. In my own mind I guess I don't even know what's going on.
'I said I love you because, because you said you'd move on.'
He slowly turns to face me, making direct eye contact now.
'And is that what you want?'
'Yes. I'm happy with Jordan...'
He abruptly gets up.
'Then you can't love me.'
He begins to march back to work.
'James.' I get up and rush behind him, he stops.
'When two people love each other they don't always end up together..'
I'm doing the right thing, I don't want to be hurt. Even if things aren't great with Jordan...
'You make it sound like there is a massive obstacle in the way of us.'
'Is there not?'
He turns around slowly, he looks washed with anger.
'Do tell..'
'You thought you was going to be a dad James, I can't get over that.. I don't think I ever will..'
'Camilla, I wasn't.'
He takes a step towards me placing a hand on my arm. I grit my teeth and pull back in pain, pain surges up my arm.
'Are you ok?'
'Yes. I just hit my arm yesterday.'
I lie. It's ok, I've got everything under control. He promised me he wouldn't do it again, he won't..
'Is that all?'
'Yes.' I look down at my shoe.
He steps back. Walking away from me.
'I sorry James...'
'No you're not.' He shakes his head and darts of. Why do I always make everything worse? People say that things will effect your life, what if you're the one doing the damage?
I stand still, the cold air wrapping around the warmth of my body.
My life is a mess. I'm a mess.

20 minutes later
'Cut'
I smile at the director and look at James, his fake smile disperses.
'James do you want to get coffee..'
He walks away from me. I have such a habit of us going for a coffee, I guess things have to change.. Maybe it's time I change, change my career pathway.. Im sure I can get somewhere else..
I guess I'll be getting a coffee on my own then..
I head out of elstree and walk down to the coffee shop at the end of the street. I stand outside for a few moments, when I met James again this is where we came...
But it's just a shop...
I take a seat by the window, I always sit here. Habit?
I drift off into memory...
'Cappuccino?' He smiles at me, as if he remembered. I nod. I sit down at a table near the corner of the room looking out at the main road. James brings over two drinks.
'So, how have you been? Didn't think I'd see you so soon.' He smiles.
'I've been great, how's things with you?' I smile.
'You know...I've been here and there' I laugh at his smirk, I missed this. Our friendship, I've missed it a lot.

'Ok I can't.'
I snap out of my thoughts, James drops beside me on the chair. I stare at him for a few moments, what's just happened?
'What can't you-'
'You. I don't care what you say Camilla I want you. And I'm not walking away. You may have given up on us but I haven't.. Ok, do you hear me. I love you.'
I look into his eyes, nothing matters. It's me and him. I have been stupid, I don't want him to move on.. I want to be with him, I know that now.. I need to stop lying to myself.
I crash my lips into his, taking in his passion. The fireworks relight and the darkness vanishes, he's tender lips working against mine. He pulls me closer to his chest and he kisses more aggressively, a passionate aggression.
Time stands still. It's me and him against the world. One kiss sends my heart into a whole other dimension. He touch of his hand pressing against mine, makes me fill complete again. I slowly move back, just our lips parting. I smile at him.
'I was stupid to think I'd need anything else.'
He smiles, running his nose along mine. I laugh and look out the window. I stop.
'Shit.'
I push away from James. He too notices Jordan stood at the window.
'Go.'
I grab my jacket and dash out the shop, shit get rid of one problem, cause another.
'Jordan.'
I yell as I dart after him, he stops round the corner.
'Jordan stop..'
'How fucking dare you!'
He grabs my arm pinning me against the wall, I winch in pain.
'Jordan I'm sorry I..'
He squeezes tighter. Tear falling from my face in excruciating pain.
'You both deserve each other, your scum.' He spits in my face, smacking his fist into my ribs and letting go. I drop to the floor, my head spinning.. My chest thudding.
'Camilla..' James' voice yells from so many directions. I can't see anything.. My eyes become heavily and my mind eases.
Blackout...