Diseased | #wattys2016

Prologue

       

"Do you remember what I said?" he looks into my eyes intensely.

I nod my head, too scared to speak. He senses my fear and sighs. I know what he's going to say next but I don't want to hear it. "Repeat to me exactly what you're going to do and what you're going to say."

I know what I have to say, but even after rehearsing a million times and playing it out, I can't believe I'm actually going to do it.

"Are you sure there's no other way, please, I don't want to go there." I beg, now I'm on the verge of tears.

"It's the only way." he says and looks away. I know he pities me and I'm glad he turned away. I'm fine with people hating me, being disappointed and scared of me, but I will never, ever be okay with someone pitying me.

I stop for a second to think. He's right; I have no other option. I can't spend the rest of my life in a prison with the thought that I never even tried the one chance I got from escaping it. I take a breath and wipe all signs of emotion off my face. The sadness, the fear, and even the loneliness; there's no more time for feelings.

"Okay," I say in a voice that I don't recognize. It drips of confidence, something I shouldn't have right now. I look down at the handcuffs around my hands and then I start to talk.

"I'm going to walk in, not scared, sad, smug or happy; but confused. Then, I'm going to take a seat and sit quietly until the judge orders me to plead my case. Then, I will simply plead 'guilty but insane' all the while acting a bit insane myself. Everything else will fall into place after that."

He smiles at me like he's just heard the best news in the world. "So you have been practicing like I told you? I'm glad you're deciding to give this a go and not just giving up. Now people might actually think you didn't do this on purpose."

I frown, betraying my pact for leaving behind my emotions, "Are you saying that I did it? You do believe me when I say I'm innocent... Right? That I'm being framed? Falsely accused?"

He looks at me like I've said something to offend him. "Of course I believe you. I would have refused this case if I thought otherwise. I want to help you; you deserve better than to go to prison."

I nod, still not completely convinced. What I deserve is for me to be set free. I didn't do this, it doesn't matter if all the evidence points at me. Don't they ever suspect that it might have been planted, that I might have been set up? I guess they want to believe what they want to believe. The faster they close this case, the better for them. It doesn't matter if their locking up an innocent being while a monster is running about in town. They clearly don't care.

As if he knew what I was thinking, he leans forward. "I know this is hard on you but you can't just go up there and plead 'not guilty'. You'll be taken to another trial and they will turn it around making it look like you are guilty. The evidence is just too strong for them to look away; all of it is pointing at you."

I look away. I don't want to do this again. At my first appearance, I had to sit there and listen to them list the terrible things they're accusing me of doing.

"The problem though isn't if I believe you or if the jury or judge believe you. They're not the ones putting the show on, they're watching it; watching you. It all depends on how you act. The better your performance is, the more likely they will believe. But like I said, that doesn't matter" he lets out a deep breath before continuing, "because in the end, the only way you will put on the best performance is if you believe you."