Flicker Pain

[17] explain

"You don't have to explain it, Maya, you really don't."

"I want to."

Conrad looked doubtful. I meant it, I really did. I thought he'd welcome it. I was approaching him — attempting to open up to him — and not vice versa. That had to mean I was okay with it, despite the thumping of my heart.

I trusted him.

"No you don't. Three days ago, you weren't ready to talk to me." His voice was gentle.

"Well it's not three days ago, is it?"

"Maya, I'm serious," He looked at me solemnly, "I do want you to tell me, eventually of course, but I don't want you to feel like you have some sort of obligation to do so."

"I don't feel like I have an obligation, Conrad. Just let me talk."

"No," He said, raising his voice a little, . I want to wait until you fully trust me."

"I do trust you," I whispered, looking down at my hands.

"Maya," He spoke softly, "Look at me."

I did.

"I'm not angry with you. If anything — I'm disappointed in myself. I shouldn't have pushed you as hard as I did when you clearly weren't comfortable with talking about it. That was stupid of me. I just...I wanted to know more about you since I feel like I know so little," His smile was bittersweet.

"Then why won't you let me tell you more?" I retorted.

He shook his head as he sighed, "I can see that you're still terrified of telling me, and what you told me a few days ago makes me think that there's a good reason for why."

I couldn't fight with him anymore. Tears filled my eyes as he turned away from me, fists clenching. I started, in a shaky whisper:

"I do have a good reason why," Slowly, he turned back to face me as I continued, "I had another friend a few years back. We were inseparable, and even though we belonged to a larger group - we were the closest."

I swallowed hard, "Things started happening back then. My uncle — he was really close with my mom when they were growing up. He died that year. My brother fell in love with a girl from his school. He told her and she didn't even have the decency to respond. Both of them changed because of it."

I closed my eyes, "And it was really hard to try and keep everything to myself. It was like a light switch: the bright and fun things happened at school, while everything went dark when I finally went home. I felt like two different people. I couldn't keep it up, forever, though. Things started getting so bad that I felt like I needed to at least tell someone. So I told her — my closest friend — about what was going on."

The tears began to flow, "She promised not to tell anyone, and she seemed really supportive at first. I was so thankful for that. But then, somehow, I heard other people talking about it. They gave me strange looks, and everyone became very distanced from me - including her. No one wants to hang out with the kid whose life's a mess."

I angrily wiped them away, "And that's still true today. Everyone wants to stick to their own glamorous problem-free world, and when you tell them about yours — they leave."

His hands suddenly enveloped mine, and he leaned down to my height as I sat on the couch. His arms enfolded me into his warm embrace, and his head rested on top of mine. His fingers gently wiped away the rest of my tears.

"I'm not going anywhere, Maya," He told me over and over. The tears refused to cease with his words, but his fingertips were always there to keep brushing them away until I calmed down, "And believe me — I know exactly how you feel. Plenty of people have left me, too."

When I finally did calm down, he still held me like he did three days ago, like he'd never ever let me go. The difference this time, was that our embrace wasn't made of pity and worry about what our confessions meant for us.

His embrace this time was filled with pride. My embrace this time was filled with relief, but most of all — I didn't feel weak.

If anything, I felt stronger and braver than ever.

Perhaps to overcome the dark, agonizing parts of my life, he was my perfect antidote.

* * *