Flicker Pain

[26] bind

[ dedicated to ItsKaytyainii for being the first to stumble across this story and for the incredible encouragement :) ]

"So...are we...a-are we going to talk now?"

"You tell me."

Conrad chuckled a little — nervously, meanwhile I just shook my head and turned back to the roaring ocean waves — which were bright and glittered like diamonds. They were too beautiful to be wasted on a day like today.

I was thankful that our parents had planned this surprise little last minute vacation. It was a nice change from the days of being holed up inside the house. But unlike most vacations — business was far from being forgotten.

It had been quite some time since Conrad's breakdown. School was back in session in just a few days, and we'd never formally sat down and had a talk about what happened. I honestly thought that neither of us had the guts to bring it up.

But now we were far away from our usual troubles. Conrad's arm was around mine as we sat in the damp sand, our heads resting against each other. We listened to the sounds of the ocean waves smashing – then caressing — the sand just a few feet away, and watched the seagulls that flew high above us, circling the spotless sky. I wouldn't have minded staying there forever.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Conrad murmured, his voice filled with tender awe.

"It really is." I replied softly.

His breath was warm against my cheek, and the gentleness of his voice could almost convince me that last week and the weeks before had never happened. It could almost convince me that he hadn't used me as a personal punching bag, and that I hadn't run to his aid thereafter. It almost convinced me that I didn't need answers.

But almost wasn't enough.

I let my eyes wander towards his face, which was filled with emotion as he stared at the water.

"I'm sorry you had to see me like that," He said quietly, his eyes meeting mine, "And I'm sorry for everything else."

I looked down, shaking my head a little. I spoke as quietly as him, "I'm not going to say it's okay, because it's not. I want to know why."

He sighed, "It's hard to explain."

"Well, try."

He scratched the back of his neck, swallowing hard as he looked away from me, "That's...that's not the first time that's happened."

"I know," I murmured, recalling the crazed way he kept saying I didn't mean to do it again that day.

"I...I've been dealing with anger issues for quite some time," He sighed, "A lot of things piled up on me, and I couldn't handle them. So I turned to anger."

He paused, looking at me with clear discomfort. I nodded at him encouragingly to keep going.

"I didn't really have anyone to help me out back then. My dad was gone before I was born. No siblings. The only friend I had who would've understood had just moved. And my mom — she was just terrified for me...and of me."

Something clicked in my head, and I looked at him with wide eyes, "When you said that the worst moment of your life was seeing your mother afraid — ?"

"Yeah, that was what I meant," He gave me a miserable smile, "She listened to me tear down my room time and time again — and each time she'd tell me how her heart broke to see me like that. And honestly, my heart broke with her."