Shae's Random Rants

Gaming, Me & Apologies

Okay, so I've always considered myself to be a gamer. My mum is, my dad is, my stepdad is, most of my friends are, my favorite YouTubers are...

But I recently realized that there are no games I enjoy playing right now.

I used to love playing Minecraft and the Sims3, but Minecraft is only fun with someone else - and all my friends that play are out of contact, and the computer that plays Sims isn't working.

More than that, I'm just not having as much fun with them as I used to.

I've been trying out new games, games that I enjoy watching people play, and I've been doing this for years now... but I don't like playing them.

I don't feel that I can call myself a gamer right now... and... that feels like I've lost who I am.

If I'm not a gamer, than what am I? Who am I?

If games aren't there to comfort me, who or what is?

My friends have lives, they have other things to do, better people to talk to... Basically they've just been offline for a while - and it's the school holidays right now, so I can't really drown my sorrows and fears under school work.

Even though I have homework... I really don't want to do it. I want to talk to people, have classes, lunch breaks... I want to bitch about my awful Humanities teacher and how much I hate French.

I think I'm going a little stir crazy, but it's almost 9pm so it's too late to go outside...

I'm just feeling really lost. If I'm not a gamer...

WHAT THE HELL AM I?

THIS IS SO FUCKING WEIRD AND SCARY AND I'M LONELY AND EVERYTHING'S CHANGING AND I'M NOT READY FOR IT.

I AM NOT OKAY RIGHT NOW.

NOT FUCKING OKAY.

I'm so lost. I don't know who I am, and that's scary...

I feel like a piece of me is missing, like my heart is split in half. There's an emptiness in my stomach, and my whole body feels heavy.

I'm sorry for being such a fucking lame bitch here, but I needed to talk to someone about this, and I already talked to my mum, and my friends are offline.

After I talked to my mum I started crying... I thought my friends could cheer me up, but their not there right now so I'M SORRY FOR BEING DEPENDENT ON YOU BECAUSE IT'S REALLY NOT HEALTHY.

I'M SORRY I NEED ATTENTION, SORRY I NEED A LITTLE TINY REMINDER THAT YOU CARE ABOUT ME, THAT YOU'RE THERE FOR ME.

SORRY THAT WHEN I ASK A QUESTION I EXPECT SOMETHING OTHER THAN RADIO SILENCE, SORRY THAT WHEN I'M ON THE VERGE OF A MENTAL BREAKDOWN I WANT SOME COMFORT...

I'm sorry I'm such an awful human being. I'm sorry I'm a wreck. I'm sorry, okay.

I'm sorry that I'm such a crybaby.

I'm sorry I act like a 5 year old.

Sorry that if I'm not even slightly happy I'm either mad or sad or nothing.

I'm sorry I'm me.

I'm sorry I get confused about life.

I'm sorry I spam you, hoping for a response, no matter how small...

And I'm sorry I turned this rant away from myself. I'm sorry I started bitching about you when it's me I hate.

You're the best friends I've ever had, and I'm sorry I'm a fucking awful friend.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

And to everyone reading; thank you for listening to my heart, and I'm sorry you had to see that breakdown. I'm not going to delete it, because this book of rants is the closest thing to a diary I have, and I don't mind sharing them with everyone.

Thanks for sticking around this far... and once again; I'm sorry. I don't even know why I'm sorry, but I am.

Bye for now, I think I'm going to go cry again like the fucking baby I am.