what I should've said

chapter one: dear you

a/n: this is a letter I wrote to the boy that broke my heart last year. word count: 504

dear you,
this is hard for me to do, seeing as we haven't spoken in over a month. the truth is, this isn't easy; any of it. not one single part of this process has been easy. I can't stand myself without you; I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I hate my eyes, just because you used to tell me about how much you loved them. you told me you loved how they were always shining, and how they were so easy to get lost in. when did the shine get dull for you? when did my eyes become so mesmerizing that I actually lost you in them? there are things that people tell me like, "you're better off without him." and, "you don't need him." well, the truth is, they're so wrong. I do need you, and I am not better off without you. I've actually found myself getting worse. I'm not trying to turn this into a guilt trip, because I know how much you hated that, so I guess to sum it up, you were the better half of me. enough about me now. how have you been? a few people have told me that you seem okay, and that's good. I know you're not though, you never were. I tried so hard to make you okay. I guess I'm just sorry that I didn't try harder. you're still my world, you always will be. you aren't just someone that I can forget easily (or at all). it you're happy without me, then I understand. all I want is for you to be happy. even after the first day that I saw you with her, I didn't hate you. oh my goodness, so many people wanted so bad for me to hate you. I just couldn't do it. I will never be able to hate you. I can't understand why, so I quit trying to. sometimes, I find myself desperate for you, just anything from you. I love you so much, I can't even put it into words. however, I get it if you're done with me. just promise me one thing, okay? promise me that whoever you find yourself with, or wherever you find yourself at, just promise me that you'll find happiness. can you do that? if you don't want to do it for me, then please do it for yourself. I know you don't think you deserve happiness, but God, you do. your happiness is my main priority, so however you do it, just find your happiness, okay? you won't ever see this, and that's okay, I'm just trying to cope without you. I'm running out of room now, although I could go on forever. you mean everything to me, you always will. you are my light, you are my world. you deserve happiness. I love you so much, I always will.

with love,
me