You Were Mine

Three Words

It was 1am and Justin was left sitting in some small, shitty cafe down the street. Tears brimming in his eyes, ready to tumble down his already tear stained face. He sloshed the remainder of his cheap coffee around in the chipped mug, he couldn't believe this was happening. It couldn't be happening.
"D'you want more coffee son?" The waitress came over and banged the coffee dispenser onto his table. Yes. Otherwise he was about to pass out and die right there in front of her. He scrambled around in his pockets, looking for the money to pay for another dose of caffeine. Nothing.
"S-sorry. I have no money." His sorrow-filled eyes looked up at her and she frowned. Pitying the small boy, she poured steaming black coffee into the mug.
"Thank you. Really, thank you." He nodded and managed a small smile at her, sipping on his coffee and burning his tongue. He didn't even care- he couldn't feel it.
It didn't feel real, nothing felt real. He didn't have a home anymore. He didn't have a family anymore. Nobody to answer the door when he was too anxious to, nobody to order food when we couldn't pluck up the courage, nobody to take him to therapy once a week. Tears began spilling down his cheeks again, his hand's trembling, spilling the hot black liquid over the table. All he had with him was his almost dead phone, some clothes and a bottle of water. He never had any of his own money, except for the little he would earn from staying behind after art class to clean the paint pots. He felt sorry for himself, he didn't think his sexuality would cause this. He didn't think one three letter word, bisexual, would make him homeless.
Justin began replaying what happened in his head, a pit forming in his stomach. He had gathered his mom, dad and siblings round the table, it was 8pm so everybody was finally home and as relaxed as they could be. He decided he needed to tell them that he was bi, he couldn't possibly take another day of his mom asking which girl he was taking to the dance, or his brothers asking who he'd banged, it made him cringe and he didn't want to lie to them. Everything was slightly blurry, all he could remember was saying the words, "I'm bi," and after that, all that came was abuse. His precious drum set was trashed and smashed to smithereens all over his bedroom floor. The disappointed and angry words of his parents kept ringing through his head. All his clothes were thrown out of his room that was shared with Joshua, his brother. His sister Maggie sat there silently, tears forming in her eyes as she mouthed "I'm so sorry," to Justin. She was his only hope, but she was too young to do anything- too young to help him. Following the abuse, Justin grabbed as much as he could in 30 seconds and left, storming down the road, sobbing and petrified. What was a socially-anxious teenage boy like him going to do, middle of the night, nobody to call, nowhere to go.
-
The night dragged on, it seemed like he was watching every minute go past on the clock and he was just waiting to wake up from this dream. This nightmare. By 6am he didn't feel comfortable sitting in the booth anymore, the same waitress was still watching him and he didn't want to have to explain anything. He headed into the small, gritty bathrooms just before heading out. The mirror was dirty and smudged but Justin still managed to get a glance of himself" in it. He was a mess. His eyes painfully bloodshot from crying, his black hoodie slightly ripped at the bottom from where he had hastily pulled it on and his hair fluffy and unruly. The taps were grimy, but nevertheless he twisted the tap that indicated cold and let the water stream over his slightly grubby hands, before splashing it into his face. He'd stopped crying by now, there must not have been any more tears to physically cry.
"Thank you," He whispered timidly to the waitress behind the counter as he pushed the door and stepped out onto the street.
The sun was just rising, a fiery orange and pink sky hanging above him. A layer of small white and grey clouds lay around the sun. He wanted the other side of those clouds, it sucked down here. With no money, nobody to talk to and nowhere to go, Justin was well and truly stuck. He sat on the closest bench, putting down his backpack on the floor by his feet. The corners of his mouth turned up as he realised in his haste to leave the house, he'd pulled on a pair of bright red socks and even tucked his jeans into them. That was the least of his worries right now, what colour socks he had on.
For the rest of the early morning, Justin wandered around the streets of Ohio's central area. He sat frequently on roadside benches, museum steps, checked out some camping shops because at this rate, he was going to need some of the stuff in here for his nights on the street. He couldn't believe this was how it was now, he was going to be sleeping on these streets, asking for money and food. He was debating not even asking and letting himself die there in the cold, why bother with a life this worthless.
12pm rolled around and Justin was exhausted, but before finding somewhere to lay his head for twenty minutes, he remembered one place he always found comfort in. The music store. His "friend" Conner, a producer, worked there and helped customers find the right instruments and such. Conner was 27, a good few years older than Justin, but he had found Justin's first drum set and they instantly made friends, both with a quirky sense of humour and style. Justin loved to spend time down at the shop with Conner, sometimes just playing the keyboard whilst Conner saw to customers. He could do with that right now.
He walked fifteen minutes down a couple blocks until he came to the store, almost crying from relief of being somewhere familiar.
"Justin! Ju-Justin... Oh my god what's wrong... Justin please," Conner came rushing from behind the counter, fussing around Justin hectically.
"I'm fine, Conner." Justin said sternly, his chocolate brown eyes set on his feet, not daring to look up to see if there were customers around watching this spectacle.
"Come to the back, we'll close for lunch," Conner hastily ran to the door and switched the "OPEN" sign to "CLOSED".
Conner guided Justin through to the back of the shop to a little break room with a small two-seater couch, a flowery old arm chair and a fridge. He started to make Justin a coffee and a sandwich of some sort.
"I told them, Conner. I told them I was bi, now look at me." Justin broke down crying again, biting his lip and squinting his eyes as if he was in pain.
"They kicked you out?" Conner sat down next to Justin and winced.
"No. I mean, practically, I had no choice, either stay there and watch the last eighteen years of my life get destroyed in front of my eyes or leave, so I did the latter." Justin swallowed harshly and furrowed his thick brows.
"Oh man. Oh Justin I am so sorry. So where are you staying? Are your school involved yet?" Conner scratched the back of his neck, he was so shocked that this had happened to his close friend, he didn't even have time to think.
"Fuck school. They'd probably support my parents on this, I literally don't care Conner, I guess I'm sleeping rough until the cold eventually kills me and I'm dead like I should be." Justin stated, he'd stopped crying by now and was straight faced, staring into space.
"You're staying with me. Don't be fucking stupid man, we've been friends since you were like thirteen years old. You can stay with me until we can sort you something out. You can't go from going to therapy for your anxiety, to sleeping rough begging people for money. You will stay with me, no arguing." Conner insisted and started to pack a small bag full of food from the fridge.
Justin didn't have the energy to be happy that he wasn't sleeping on the streets, he barely had enough energy to even mutter the words "Thank you," to Conner. Of course he was eternally grateful, but Conner's words were still ringing in his ears- therapy. He needed therapy, he needed those sessions, he couldn't leave the house otherwise. He had to work all these things out for himself now, Conner wasn't his parent, Conner wasn't his brother, Conner was just a friend he saw once a week.
"We're going early, we might as well catch the 1:30pm train and go home, you can clean up and get changed, we can figure it all out back home." Conner gestured towards the door and Justin followed him timidly, all the way to the train station.
-
The two of them sat on the train platform, Conner staring off into the distance, watching all the loved up teenagers and couples together, all the families smiling and making their own personal jokes as they got on and off the trains. He wished that none of them would ever have to experience this low he was feeling right now. He felt like the entire world had come crushing down on him. He was so empty, he didn't even feel sadness right now, he was just empty. He felt like he'd fallen through a trapdoor into a black hole full of nothingness.
Their train arrived and they found two spare seats by the window, sat opposite each other. Conner handed Justin a peanut butter candy bar from his bag, Justin shook his head.
"You have to eat, get your blood sugars up, you'll have energy then to talk about stuff we need to discuss," Conner forced the bar into Justin's hand, earning an eye roll.
Justin opened the wrapper, the waft of sugary peanut butter entering his nostrils and making his mouth water. He hadn't eaten for the past two days, firstly because of the nerves before telling his parents the news and now because he simply couldn't afford anything. He'd gone from being able to afford a thousand candy bars, to not even having the money to buy half of one.
"It's our stop," Conner got up from his chair and signalled for Justin to follow. They walked for about half an hour before coming to Conner's apartment complex.
"It's nice." Justin looked up at the glass building. It was modern and looked expensive. He would have dreamt about staying somewhere like here, now it's a literal blessing that he wasn't sleeping on the pavement outside.
Justin trailed up the flights of stairs, body aching from exhaustion, until they reached Conner's door. The apartment was much bigger than Justin expected, but it wasn't as nice as he expected. It was very generic, a set of three leather couches around a mahogany coffee table, all pointed towards a flat screen TV. The kitchen was connected to the lounge with a breakfast bar full of letters, bills and directors notes and a roomy preparation area with marble surfaces and fancy tools.
"I'll show you the spare room. You can make yourself comfortable, have a sleep maybe? My friend is coming round later just to pick up his drum sticks and some tech stuff, but I'll make sure we're quiet," Conner picked up Justin's bag and Justin winced. He didn't want Conner to know how light his bag was, how little he'd packed and how unprepared for all of this he was.
Conner showed him into a neat room, a big double bed pressed against a vast open window with a seat built into the sill. A great place for him to sit and watch everybody else in the world having a great life whilst he was going to be stuck in this apartment until he literally died.
"Sleep." Conner pointed at the bed and shut the door, so that's just what Justin did.
He stripped down from his hoodie and jeans, kicking his black vans off to the far corner of the room along with his dumb red socks. He looked at himself in the mirror, he looked just the same as earlier except for his bags were even more prominent and now he was naked. His tanned body covered in black tattoos looked so fragile and small, he just needed someone to look after him, to understand him. He hopped into bed, sighing at how comfortable he felt, the most comfortable in two days. The fresh sheets crinkled as he moved and squirmed to make himself comfortable, nuzzling his head further into the cushion. He didn't think he'd be able to sleep, giving everything that happened in the past 48 hours, but he soon drifted off to the sound of Conner tuning guitars and keyboards in the other room.
-
"Thanks man. These sticks are way, way better than the others. I can hit even harder now!" A muffled, unfamiliar voice came from outside Justin's room and he lazily sat up in bed, rubbing his eyes and gathering his bearings.
He looked at the clock, it was 9pm, he sighed deeply, knowing he'd already fucked his sleeping pattern up and was going to be awake all night fretting and worrying about his entire existence. Hearing the same familiar voice let out a giggle, he got out of bed and tugged on a plain white t-shirt and some loose grey basketball shorts. He stumbled into the en-suite bathroom and relieved himself, deciding to brush his teeth just in case he had to talk to this random person. He picked up a spare toothbrush Conner had handed to him earlier and swirled it around his mouth, white minty bubbles overflowing and spilling down the sink. He had no cares for anything right now that he almost just wanted to leave the minty residue sit on his chin. He didn't though, he picked up a towel and wiped it away, catching sight of himself in the cabinet. His hair was flat on the side he'd slept on and completely fluffed-up and crazy on the other. His eyes looked sad and tired, purple shadows hanging underneath them. His lips were dry, cracked and slightly red in places from where he'd bitten them too hard. He was such a mess, he didn't want to go out and see who Conner was talking to.
So he didn't.
Justin cracked his door open just a fraction, and sat on the chair closest to him. He couldn't see anyone as of now, they must have been sitting in the kitchen or sorting some music stuff out in the other room. He could hear voices and the unfamiliar one sounded so warm and friendly. It sounded similar to his voice, not really a definite accent, but very American. It was more endearing than his own voice, inviting almost. He was desperate to see who this voice belonged to, to see if their appearance was as warm and welcoming as their voice.
As if on cue, a head of messy, tousled black hair walked into the lounge and leant up against the wall by the front door. He had long, shapely legs which were adorned with a pair of leather-looking skinny jeans. His jeans were tucked into a pair of worn out black and white skater vans, just like a pair Justin had previously owned. The stranger was wearing a white and black geometric patterned t-shirt underneath a thin, hooded camo jacket- whoever this person was dressed well and Justin was impressed that someone who was friends with Conner, the king of casual, actually had a little style. The stranger turned around to face Conner and Justin finally caught a glimpse of his face. He instantly looked friendly, a big, toothy smile wiped across his face, the corner of his eyes crinkling a little. He picked up a snapback and placed it on backwards, his hair suddenly tamed, only a few red flicks visible.
"So you don't need any help? I can go shopping if you need? This guy probably won't want to be left alone, right?" The stranger looked at Conner concerned and Justin froze, they were talking about him. He gently pressed the door shut and continued listening through the thin wall.
"No, thanks though man. I've got enough stuff until tomorrow, maybe you could hang out here for a little whilst I man the shop. He probably won't come out of his room, he's pretty socially anxious," Justin cringed, he didn't even know the name of this man yet Conner was already listing his mental health problems to him.
"I'm sure we can talk about something, I'm not going to bite," The man smiled and patted Conner on the back, "Thanks again for the tech stuff, Conner. I'll come to get the drums tomorrow but I should be going, the last train is soon."
And with that, the stranger had left.
There was a soft knock on the door and Justin practically pounced back into bed, picking up his phone and acting like he'd been there the whole time.
"Justin?" Conner whispered through the small crack keeping the door ajar.
"Come in," Justin said in his quiet, croaky voice, "Who was that?"
"Just then? Tristan. He's one of my close friends, other than you. He sings for a small band, they don't even have a name, they just kinda gig around the bars and clubs nearby. He's mad talented." Conner explained, scrolling through his phone whilst talking.
"Oh. He seemed nice." Justin fiddled with his fingernails and looked down at his hands.
"The nicest," Conner smiled, "He comes round most days, you'll have to get to know him if you're staying here."
Justin's stomach churned. With all that had happened lately, he'd actually forgotten he had social anxiety. He didn't want to get to know somebody. He just wanted to curl up in bed, watching TV, avoiding his problems and eating chinese takeout with Conner. Tristan seemed nice, but he didn't need to get to know him. Any time Tristan was around he could just pretend to be asleep, pretend to be out.
"Y-Yeah. I will get to know him." Justin lied to Conner and Conner walked to the door.
"I'm ordering food, you don't have to eat it, but I can almost see your ribs so... I'm gonna recommend you come out when it's here and at least have some fries." Conner looked at Justin sadly, upset to see his friend in such a state.
"Ok. Thanks Conner, for all of this." He said sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck.
"Don't mention it." Conner shut the door behind him and Justin fell back on the bed, drifting back off to sleep.