Soldier

Chapter 28 - Thinking Things Through

  She sat next to the Triceratops pen, the large open field was spotted with the large herbivore. A few of the were walking, most of them were eating while only three stood near the spot she sat. The smallest calf she had hand fed previously and his mother as well as who she assumed to be an aunt or older sibling. She was simply watching them.

The calf was romping around trying to get the older ones to play which worked for a few moments before they got distracted. The older becoming interested in what the others in the herd were doing and his mother still munching away at the grass. Noises from the Aviary could be heard from where she was and with every screech or call she would jump slightly.

"Are you alright?" Allie's voice startled her more than she thought it would because she let out a small scream.

"Gracious, I didn't mean to scare you!" Allie apologized but she was already forgiven.

"It's alright, did you need something?" She said glancing up covering her eyes to see her friends face.

"No, but you look like you need someone to talk to. Something on your mind?" Allie sat next to her.

She opened her mouth to speak but closed it again. What did she want to tell Allie? Did she want to tell her everything? She already considered this young woman a good friend but she didn't want to burden her with all of the things bothering her right now. She shouldn't and she wouldn't, she needed to figure out her problems on her own. She needed to think things through by herself before she could even begin explaining things to Allie.

"No, just enjoying the time with these guys." She forced a happy grin and pointed over towards the littlest one.

"Awe! Look at him, he's growing like a weed." Allie's attention was immediately redirected to the animals in the pen and away from her troubles. She was happy for that.

"So, do you think we should name him? I mean we spend everyday with him we should at least name him!" Allie was suddenly bouncing up and down with excitement.

"Oh, oh we should come up with a few names and see which Barry thinks is best! I mean what do you think?" She radiated happiness and reached over the gate of the fence to give the small boy a large pet on the snout.

"What do you think little guy, would you like a name?" The snorting noises coming from the small dinosaur made her grin.

Watching Allie made her worries settle into the back of her mind. She smiled seeing the happy smile on her friends face and wished that she could smile without worry. She wished that she could discard of her pain but then she'd lose all of her past. She was torn between wanting to forget but wanting to remember.

"Well, I'll see you at the Bungalow later I need some sleep!" She bid her friend a goodbye before turning her attention back the animals and nature.

She was content here, content watching the sun sink and the animals eat. She was happiest when she wasn't alone and she knew why she had such a hard time admitting anything to anyone other than her father. She was afraid. Afraid of everything there was to be afraid of. Afraid of being rejected, pitied, and discarded.

"I'll see you later guys, gotta get back before it get too late." She placed her hand on the wooden fence post before taking her leave.

"Finally back I see, lose track of time or did you fall asleep?" Allie laughed as she entered the house.

"Lost track of time, thought you were going to get some sleep?" Allie shrugged turning off the television.

"I was but then I sat down and sort of did the same thing." She walked pass Allie into the small kitchen that sat just beyond the family room of the already small building.

"I think I'll get to bed, you going to bed too?" She asked turning off the water and taking a few large gulps of it from the glass she had gotten.

"Probably not, I think I'm going to go see Barry and Owen for a few drinks tonight." Allie placed her coat on the edge of the couch.

"There's a coat rack for a reason." She grabbed the coat and placed it on the rack that was right behind Allie.

"Oh yeah, sorry about that I'm still not used to it." Allie laughed it off.

"'night Allie, tell Barry I said g'night as well." She went to close her bedroom door but Allie interrupted that.

"No goodnight for Owen?" Peeking out she narrowed her eyes every so slightly.

"No." She shut her door, changed and laid down under the covers of her small bed.

She listened to the door open, shut and Allie's key lock the door. She dug her tags out from the hidden comfort of her shirt and mindlessly looked over them in the moonlit room. She made a habit out of messing with the tags, she wasn't sure if it was healthy or not but it made thinking easier. These tags never left her neck, they sat there as a reminder of everything she'd been through and everything she lost.

"Is it wrong to want to forget? Am I crazy for wanting things to be different?" She sighed and turned onto her left side facing the window that was partially covered with a cream coloured curtain.

"Am I ruining my friends memories by wanting to forget that I lost them? I don't want to forget them but it hurts to remember." Tears formed on the corners of her eyes before sliding down her face as she tried to clean them away.

"I -I just want some peace! I'm so sorry, please forgive me, please! I can't do this anymore I just can't handle this. I lost my fiance, my mom, my friends and my peace of mind. Am I crazy? Is this even real anymore? I just don't want to hurt, I don't want the nightmares and I don't want the last memory of all I had to be so tragic. Why do I have to suffer? What did I do?"

She cried hard into her pillow clutching it so tight that her knuckles were white. Screaming into her pillow until her lungs were burning from lack of oxygen and the force behind them. Her body was racked with hiccups, sobs, and a mixture of the two as she cried. She couldn't handle it and by the time her tears stopped she would be long asleep. By the time she'd remember this the sun would be steady in the sky and her cries would be lost to the one and only witness. The moon.