dark grey

Luke was fifteen when he was kind of, sort of sure that he wasn't really like other kids. He already knew that he wasn't really "normal" when he was in primary school and handed in drawings of two boys at the altar when asked about a dream life, but this was a whole new level of different. This was feeling like he really wasn't wired right, like there was a fault in his code. This was lying and faking and hands shaking and eyes watering behind closed doors after parties and verbal probing from his brothers.

He remembers sitting at lunch with Calum and Michael who were talking about girls and boys and everybody else. He remembers Michael talking about experiences of hands down pants and hot desperate drunk kisses and Calum listening so intently. He remembers Michael getting Calum riled up over something about someone moaning and who they have to fuck before graduation and thinking it was the most obscure shit ever. Luke remembers it feeling very off putting and uncomfortable like when you get water up your nose. He remembers his shoulders tensing up and trying to shrink in on himself.

He vivdly remembers when they all met up at the park and Calum had brought these magazines and video tapes that he had found in a box his dad kept hidden away in their garage. Luke didn't understand why he and Michael were drooling over the pictures and whatever else was inside and he certainly didn't understand being so uninterested and disconnected and nervous. Michael had asked him if he wanted to see, if he was okay and Luke's anxiety was sky high and he was definitely not okay but he remembers playing it off as just not wanting to get caught.

Luke knew there was extremely, definitely sure that he wasn't really like the other kids, that he was super different (the back of his mind told him to say wrong instead of different but Luke thinks no, no, no that can't be right...right?) when he was at Skylar Evans' New Year Party. He shouldn't have even been there and he's not quite sure why he was or why half of the student body was either. The music was too loud and everyone was too young and too drunk and Michael and Calum were lost in the sea of people. He'd started to thank his lucky stars when a seemingly sweet boy came up and started talking to him until talking turned to dancing which turned into grinding and trying to kiss Luke with all too much tongue.

Luke's knees were knocking by the time he got the boy off of him, mumbling a string of apologies and taking the hour long walk home because he didn't want to be around people when he was this anxious. He didn't want to think about why he was anxious or why he thought he was going to throw up or break down at any moment. He didn't want to think about how something was wrong with him or how the air was so thick in his world he felt like he was choking and suffocating on it. The walk home is blurry and he feels like the ground he's walking on is tearing apart beneath him.

He walked through his door with a stinging sensation on his face and blotchy cheeks, trying to be as quiet as he possibly can be because whatever is going on is only going to get worse when more people get involved. He held his breath all the way to his room until his back is pressed up against his closed door.

His world was spinning and he was so out of it and he just wanted to fucking sleep but he couldn't because what the fuck was wrong with him?

He vaguely remembers opening his laptop and starting to research for god knows how long in god knows what mental state. He doesn't remember much about that night but one thing he remembers his how he stopped breathing for a solid ten seconds when he found an article on how most people start feeling sexual attraction at age ten and he's pretty sure he's never felt it in his entire life. He recalls his blood running cold and his stomach dropping and he's never going to shake that bone chilling feeling of being alone no matter how many times he or someone else tells him there's nothing wrong with him.

Somehow Luke had come across a word – asexuality- and he was confused and scared because he thought maybe it made sense but still. If societies suffocating him with sex is it really okay? Is he okay? His chest felt so tight and he started crying and panicking and then he's not sure what he remembers.