Broken Promises

A mistake

I had to discard the idea. I had to let go. I knew you lost those feelings for me. I had to let go.

It was Friday and the air felt uneasy. After months of no activity between us but silly confessions of past feelings, I couldn't stand it any longer.

As we walked to the bus stop, I stopped her and took her aside. "Lift up your sleeves," I said. She did. I cheked every inch and with a sigh I smiled at her. "Good," she let her sleeves down as I said calmly.

Its not over. I know you're hiding a lot from me. This might be a small check-up, but I know it's not enough. I'm sorry for making you feel like I don't trust you, but I care for you. All this I thought as she looked at me. We sat down and laughed about things. I threatened her like always when she sits on me by saying, "I'll kiss you," and other things. Of course I never meant it, but that got her off me, but now she didn't budge.

As I threatened her at the bus stop, something went off. My mind went blank and the present got cut off from my view. I was afraid. What was going on? Irrational thoughts swam through my head, stabbing my brain.

She...she has been teasing me. I bet she's not even bisexual, just another confused teen. People don't change from one day to another and that's what she did. Shut up. You should've never fallen for her. You dug your own grave. Stop. What am I doing? There could be an us. No, stop, you're wrong.

I got up, grabbed her wrist, and walked with speed towards the girls restroom. She looked confused - just as much as I was. My boyfreind looked concerned; he sensed the worst, but decided to let it pass. He put his trust in me. No..why did he..? Stop me please.

As we got into the restroom, I looked around. There was no one there, just me and her.

Stop. You'll regret it. She loves you. She tricked you. I love you. Let's be together. You're beautiful. No. Shut up. I don't love her. I can't love her.

I turned around; she was about to say something when I intervened. I put both my hands on her cheeks. It all happened so fast, I only got a glance of her eyes and my confusion in them. My lips touched hers as my heart stopped and my world crashed. She pushed me away. I looked at her. Her cheeks were bright red. Was she blushing of embarrassment and shock? Then it hit me. What just happened?

I rushed out of the restroom and walked as fast as I could and said out loud to her, to myself, "Its over, no more. Thats it."

I knew it bothered her. My stomach twisted into a knot. I was disgusted with what I had done. As I walked with speed I stood with a freind and did not utter a word as she was next to me. My boyfreind was confused and full of fear and worry. If told him, I knew it would hurt. No. I promised to protect them.

The bus came and we left. I hugged her good-bye and she did not act strange.

What if I was her first kiss? How horrible, I thought.

On the way home, my face pressed against the bus seat in front of me. Everything was so hazy, it felt like a panic or anxiety attack. Tears formed on my eyelashes. No...I won't cry. Stop being stupid.

He tried to approach me. "Babe." I ignored him and felt the pain shooting through my chest.  What have I done?

He held me and I pushed him away everytime.  I couldn't even look at him, it hurt. Through my confusion and fuzziness, the memory was erased but the feeling of discomfort remained. It looked like it was a dream that never happened. I was glad. Yet there was something bothering me. What is it that's bothering me?

As we walked home, he held my hand and I walked through the street. My mind was disconnected from my body. What was happening to me? Why was I feeling this way? What caused it?  How did I forget?

I grabbed a flower from the floor and looked at it. My eyes getting watery as I apologized to the beautiful flower.

"Hey what's wrong" he said. No answer. "What happened?" I looked at him and had my eyes on the flower.

"Isn't it sad?" I said.

"What is?"

I looked at him. "This flower is dying...beacuse of my desire to satisfy myself this plant will die." He just said that it was not dead that it would grow back again. I wanted to believe it.

The rest is something no one needs to know. All I can say is that his guessing skills really are impressive.

"You kissed her didn't you? " he said. I nodded and looked down, ashamed. He just held me tight and I felt his warmth.

What I have here I'll never have with someone else. Not even if its just friendship-wise. Is that what I wanted from her? Did I want a friendship were I could go to her with my problems? Even so, she was not close to me in that way.

As I drifted off in his arms, trying to soothe the pain, I knew that it was all finally over.