As You Are

All I Want To Do Is Sleep

*Lila

As I came nearer to the surface of consciousness, I began to hear what was being said around me.

"Yes, but do you really think-" a man cut the woman who was speaking off.

"Honestly, can't you see the toll this has been taking on her? She comes in here apathetic, and it seems to me that as the days continue, the Lila that I knew slips away more and more. This cancer isn't just killing her body, it's killing the person inside. As her doctor, it is my job to help her in every way I know how. While you might not heed my recommendation, I am going to give it to you anyways. I think a support group and maybe even some individual therapy would really help Lila. It might even bring back her sense of adventure and create a spark to hopefully rekindle her passion for life. She used to be so afraid of death, but now it seems like she doesn't care if she lives or dies. I just want to help her."

"I have noticed the change in her too, but after four years of living like this, knowing that at any moment, every part of her body will give up and she will be gone, who wouldn't have changed? I don't think she's lost her desire for life. I think she has merely accepted that life is not forever, so you should live paying the most attention to the things that matter to you. She's not giving up on life. In fact, things are quite the opposite. She seems quite content with it."

They stopped talking. I stirred slightly and slowly opened my eyes.

"Mom? What are you doing here?"

"Oh, nothing. Your doctor just wanted to talk to me. He says your chemo is going well and the cancer has slowed down significantly." She grabbed my hand and kissed it. "I'm so proud of you for fighting so hard. I love you so much." I smiled.

"I love you too mom. Let's go home. I'm really tired." With that, we went home.

When I walked into my room, I felt a familiar presence. It wasn't a bad one, but a loving one. Here lately, I've convinced myself it's that of my late grandmother.

"I'm glad to be home, grandma. I missed you today. I wish you were still here with me, but I understand you had to go. We will be together soon though. I can't wait to see you again." I walked over and climbed into my bed. "I'm going to sleep for awhile. You know how tired my treatments make me. Keep me safe, okay?" With that, I allowed myself to fall into a peaceful sleep once more.